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WASHINGTON, D.C. – A befuddled President Barack Obama was awakened at the crack of noon Monday to more unexpected accolades: He had just won the Most Valuable President (MVP) award for keeping the world turning on its axis, simply by using the power of his enormous brain.
Although the President was difficult to understand before his first cup of coffee and slightly miffed at being roused so early from his bed (well, who among us is really a morning person?), it seemed that, after the disbelief had worn off, he was fully cognizant of the honor and responsibility of being America’s MVP. “Wow,” he exclaimed. “You mean just by thinking about what I’m going to have for lunch, I’m actually powering the rotation of the earth? Far fucking out!” The POTUS was quickly rushed to his bubble bath by the First Lady, as Robert Gibbs, Presidential spokesperson, furiously typed the words “Thank you very much for this unexpected and overwhelming honor” into the Presidential Teleprompter for Obama to read later on in the afternoon.
Unfortunately, not everyone is thrilled with this year’s recipient of the MVP Award. Scientists, in particular, are outraged at the counterfactual assertions of the MVP Committee. Said Janet Marksham of the League of Concerned Scientists, “We have, in fact, measured the size of President Obama’s brain, and have found that it is exactly the same size as every other adult male of the species Homo sapiens. In fact, there appears to be no evidence that Obama’s thoughts are powering anything, much less the rotation of the earth!”
Despite the clearly partisan naysayers, America should be very proud of our President becoming the world’s first black MVP. The prize is $10 million, which President Obama is donating to the newly-founded charity, the Malia and Sasha College Fund for Underprivileged Daughters of American Presidents.
—Additional Reporting by S.N. Ark
Violence against women has been on my mind a lot lately. High-profile cases such as Chris Brown’s alleged beating of his girlfriend, Rihanna, and New York State Senator Hiram Montserrate’s alleged assault on his girlfriend, Karla Giraldo, not to mention the not-as-well-known uptick in incidences of female genital mutilation in Great Britain, added to the astonishing figure of 130 million living women who have been permanently scarred by this horrifying procedure, plus the fact that one out of every three women has been sexually or physically abused in the course of her life, well…let’s just say I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.
True to my Virgoan nature, I have been trying to analyze why this keeps happening to women. Why are statistics like this accepted and acceptable?
My theory is that there are two main factors involved. One is our society’s desire to blame the victim for her situation; a desire which has been newly energized by our Reagan-loving President, Barack Obama. I wrote about this epidemic of victim-blaming some time ago, here. But the second factor is one I haven’t articulated before: the myth of female physical equality.
I understand that feminism historically has striven to balance the two sexes by using many different tactics. One such tactic is to claim that women are equal to men in every single way. Forgive me if I lose my feminist creds here, but I find this idea to be laughable, and perhaps harmful. Nonetheless, it has taken hold of our imaginations. After all, isn’t it fun to watch a taut and toned, 100-pound Alyssa Milano kick 200-pound demon ass on “Charmed?” (She never even messes up her hair, or gets a scratch on that rock-hard abdomen, or twists her ankle in the five-inch platforms she wears!) But in reality, how likely is it that a woman can actually beat the hell out of a man who is really fighting back? And if she can’t do that, then how can she be equal to a man in every way?
I’ll tell you something. I was a student of karate for a year and a half. When my Shihan told me that in order to advance in the dojo, I needed to join the Friday night fighting class, at which time I’d have to fight large, muscular black belts and possibly break limbs, I looked at him, rolled my eyes, and quit. I know my own limitations.
with fellow Viewian AngieNC!
Click the link to listen!
but I sent my first petition to Governor Paterson today.
Now it’s time for another. Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg is not qualified to be appointed to Hillary Clinton’s Senate seat; moreover, she has never been even a mild supporter of Senator Clinton. In fact, she was co-chair of the VP Committee that did not vet Senator Clinton, the winner of the most primary votes of any candidate ever, for the Vice Presidential spot.
Sign the new petition, if you feel so inclined, and I’ll send it again to the Governor when I’ve collected more signatures.
Keep roaring, PUMAs, and enjoy your holidays!
Some New Yorkers take this whole turkey thing a little too seriously. Like, for example, this guy.
This wild turkey was wandering around Central Park, making sure everyone remembered it was Thanksgiving. The hubby enjoyed the reminder.
The turkey couldn’t decide if it wanted to be AT the fence,
or ON the fence.
But no matter how many humans stared at it and took its picture, this turkey knew one thing: It wasn’t going to be the main course in our celebration today.
Have a great Thanksgiving, everyone!
There is way, way too much bad stuff going on these days; so here is a great, short video that may lift your spirits. These ladies are fierce, fabulous and onto something!
If only I were 25 years older…
Have a great weekend and keep your chin up. Nothing lasts forever – and that includes rough times.