Category Archives: Karl Rove

Georgie Writes a Book: A Play in One Authoritarian Act

Im A Famous Writer!

I'm A Famous Writer!

(NOTE: This play was inspired by this quote from Dubya about why he’s writing a book about his time as President:

Bush said it will be fun to write and that “it’s going to be (about) the 12 toughest decisions I had to make.” 
“I’m going to put people in my place, so when the history of this administration is written at least there’s an authoritarian voice (emphasis added) saying exactly what happened,” Bush said
.

Thanks, George – and thanks, M3, for the quote!)

THE SCENE: Dubya’s swank new house in Dallas, Texas. No more fake ranchin’  and clearin’ brush for this Connecticut Cowboy! George is sitting in his home office, which is decorated in Rawhide Chic and covered with pictures of him in all his Preznitial glory. He is leaning back in his brown leather office chair and playing with a pencil, apparently in deep thought.

A knock is heard at the door.)

GEORGE: Come in!

(Dubya’s wife, LAURA, enters.)

LAURA: How are things going, honey? How’s your first day as a writer?

GEORGE: Well, Lumpy, I have to admit I’m having a tough time with gettin’ started. Turd Blossom says I have to pick my twelve hardest decisions as President and write about them. Heck, all my decisions were easy. I just followed my gut and listened to Dick. I slept like a baby every night!

LAURA: Well, the Jack and Coke cocktails didn’t hurt there!

(Both laugh.)

GEORGE: Yeah, you mix a mean one, Lumpy! But seriously, you were a librarian – you know about books and things. Do you have any suggestions? I’m kinda stumped.

LAURA (sitting down in the wing chair opposite his desk): Well, honey, you could always hire a ghost writer. That’s what most people do.

GEORGE (sharply): No! I don’t want to do that. I want an – an authoritarian voice telling people EXACTLY what it was like to be in my shoes on 9/11. If you want an authoritarian, you gotta go with me!

LAURA (dryly): How true. Well, then, let’s try to make a list of your best moments in office. Let’s not worry about if they were tough decisions or not. Let’s show the people just how great you were at being The Decider!

Continue reading

Advertisements

David Axelrod’s Secret Weapon: A Play in One Despicable Act.

You Think I Work fo YOU?

You Think I Work for YOU?

THE SCENE: DAVID AXELROD’s office. It is reminiscent of Yogurt’s cave in the movie “SpaceBalls.” (One word: Merchandising!) Everywhere are products relating to The One. Obama t-shirts, Vera Wang clothing, mugs, buttons, posters, bumper stickers and other paraphernalia are carefully lit and displayed throughout the room.

AXELROD himself, Barack Obama’s right-hand man, is too hip to even have a desk. He sits on a leather beanbag chair, with his feet up on a beanbag ottoman for support. He does all his work on his iPhone and iMac, which rest on a side table next to him. For his guests, other beanbag chairs are casually strewn about. A large metal box sits on the coffee table in the center of the beanbags. It has no markings or buttons whatsoever, but it is clearly very important due to its central location. A small Exacto knife sits beside it.

A knock sounds at the office door.

AXELROD (standing, impatiently): Come in, Bill. I told Frieda to send you right through.

(BILL BURTON, Barack Obama’s campaign manager, enters somewhat timidly.)

BURTON: Geez, Dave, you know I can’t understand that accent of hers.

AXELROD (sniggering): Yeah. But who needs her to talk?!

(BURTON and AXELROD snicker manfully.)

BURTON (scornfully): Anyway, Dave, I just heard that John McCain picked a woman to be his VP. Some chick from Alaska – a small-town mayor or something? Seriously, what is that old idiot thinking?

AXELROD (casually): Really? Hmmm. Let me check it out! (cruises the Intertubez on his iPhone for a moment)

AXELROD (wonderingly): You mean, Governor Sarah Palin?! America’s Hottest Governor? Wow. That bastard has balls, I’ll give him that.

BURTON (confused): Dave, is this something for Barack to worry about?

AXELROD (impatiently): Bill, you moron, of course it is! This Palin bimbo is young, pretty and has a 70% -90% approval rating in Alaska. Plus, the fundies will LOVE her, since she’s one of them. Meanwhile, Barack is stuck with that gaffe-tastic old fossil, Joe Biden.

BURTON (sighing): Too bad the President didn’t pick Hillary as his VP. Then McCain couldn’t have stolen his thunder this way.

AXELROD (annoyed): FOCUS, Bill. We lost that argument to Michelle WEEKS ago! Now, the old man pulled a possible game-changer out of his ass, but I think I’ve got just the thing to stop the bleeding. (gestures towards the metal box on the table)

BURTON (in awe): Wow. Is that – what I think it is?

AXELROD: Yes. It’s – The Rove-inator.

Continue reading

The Double Agent: A Play in One Twisted Act.

THE SCENE: Two offices, one belonging to KKKARL ROVE and the other belonging to DONNA BRAZILE. Each office takes up half of the stage, with ROVE’s office stage right, and BRAZILE’s, stage left.

ROVE’s office is furnished in traditional Republican style, with dark wood, leather chairs, stuffed animal heads on the walls, and a fireplace with Nixon’s portrait over the mantle. The desk, which sits against the backstage wall, is large and covered with papers, a multi-line phone, and a small laptop. A framed poster of the movie “1984” hangs over it, behind ROVE’s head. The man himself sits hunched at the desk, working furiously on many things at once.

BRAZILE’s office is full of bright colors and abstract art. Her taste is more Danish modern than Rove’s, with a focus on light woods and steel accents. She’s also sitting behind a desk against the backstage wall, but unlike Bush’s Brain, she is busy taking turns staring off into space, and staring at the phone. Clearly, she is waiting for a call that just isn’t coming.

Finally, BRAZILE makes a decision. She picks up the phone and hits a Speed Dial button.

BRAZILE (into the phone): Hello? Helga, is that you? (smiling) Hi there darlin’, it’s Donna. (Her smile disappears after hearing what Helga has to say.) Now don’t you play that little game with me, Helga. I know he’s screening. I’ve been trying to get him for a week. You just go ahead and put me on with him, or I’ll just keep calling every three minutes until you do. (slight pause while Helga gives in) That’s what I thought. I’ll hold, but not for long!

(In ROVE’s office, the phone buzzes.)

ROVE (hitting the speaker setting on the phone): Yes, Helga?

HELGA: Karl, it’s that Donna Brazile again. She says she’s going to call every three minutes until you talk to her!

ROVE (frustrated): That woman just cannot take a hint! (sighs forebearingly) Okay, Helga, I might as well get this over with. Put her through. (A fake joviality enters his manner.) Hello, Donna!

BRAZILE (hitting the speaker setting on her phone): Well, FINALLY. Why have you been avoiding my calls, Karl? This had better be good. Things are starting to go really badly for President Obama. His bump in the polls from that trip he took last week has totally disappeared, and the media is starting to turn against him. They’re calling him the “presumptuous” nominee now, just like those PUMAs have been doing for the last few months! What are we going to do?

(ROVE is gleefully silent.)

BRAZILE: Hello? Are you there? Dammit, you helped me get the ball rolling with President Obama. Without your money and connections, he never would have gotten this far. But now our plan seems to be falling apart. You’ve gotta help me, Karl!

ROVE (allowing his full evil to show through): Well, Donna, I must say, you’re a lot stupider than I thought you were. You still haven’t figured it out? Good lord, woman, why don’t you buy a clue?

BRAZILE (shocked): What the hell are you talking about, Karl?

ROVE (with malicious satisfaction): Oh, Donna, Donna, Donna. Didn’t you ever wonder why I was so willing to be your friend? Why I was so happy to fund Obama’s campaign in the start-up phase? Why I was so thrilled to send all those Republicans to the caucuses to help him get the delegates he needed to win the nomination? You’re a gay black Democratic woman, and I’m Bush’s Brain. Did you really think you and I were a natural fit?

BRAZILE (faintly): I thought it was because you wanted to be on the winning side. I thought you hated John McCain.

ROVE (leaning back in the chair, hands behind head): Oh, I did, Donna, I did. But that was before I realized that the winning side…is John McCain’s side. With your help, John and I were able to knock out the strongest Democratic candidate and replace her with the weakest Democratic candidate. In a year where we thought all was lost, we Republicans are now poised and ready to take over the White House once again. Can you say, President McCain? I’m getting quite used to the sound of that myself.

BRAZILE: But Karl, you said Barack could win by expanding the electoral map. You said we didn’t need the Democratic base, that we could win the West and South, and forget about those bitter hillbillies in Appalachia. You said –

ROVE (scornfully): And you believed me, didn’t you? Good God, no wonder you’ve lost so many elections, Donna. What kind of an idiotic strategy is that? You’ve let your most reliable voters become completely disenchanted with their Party. That’s something we Republicans would never do. We’re smart enough to disrespect our voters behind their backs, so they won’t find out how much we despise them! Election 101, Donna. When will you liberal elitists ever learn?

BRAZILE (dazed): I, uh, don’t know what to say.

ROVE: How about “good-bye?” Because I hope this is the last time I have to talk to you. You make me sick to my stomach!

(BRAZILE and ROVE both disconnect from their speaker phones at the same time. ROVE, satisfied, sits back down at his desk and goes back to work. The lights slowly fade on his side of the stage.)

BRAZILE (standing up and pacing): Oh my God. Oh my God. I’m toast! I never told Barack where all that money was coming from. He thought he was getting Republican votes because they wanted to knock out Hillary, not him! What if he finds out that I was working with Karl? What if Howard Dean finds out? What am I going to do?!

(BRAZILE’s phone rings.)

BRAZILE (hitting the speaker): H-h-h-hello?

HOWARD DEAN (menacingly): Hello, Donna.

BRAZILE (rallying a bit): Oh! Howard! How are you? What’s new?

DEAN: Glad you asked. I want you to join me on my bus tour of the South. We think you can really help us reach out to African-American voters in the area. Plus, maybe you can scare some of the PUMAs away from me. They seem to show up everywhere I go, and I’m tired of answering their questions alone.

BRAZILE (relieved): Why, Howard, I’d be thrilled to come with you.

DEAN: Great, great! Your ride is just outside. Go ahead and pack. I’ll see you soon!

(They both hang up.)

BRAZILE: Whew! I guess everything’s all right then. I’d better make sure all my tracks are covered before I get on that bus. (BRAZILE exits through a side door.)

(The lights come up in ROVE’s office. Standing next to the desk is HOWARD DEAN.)

DEAN: Hey, Karl, thanks for the tip about Donna being a double agent. I can’t believe she’s been trying to sabotage Barack this whole time!

ROVE (secretly amused): Yes, it is hard to believe.

DEAN: I wonder how long it will take her to realize that she’s not going on the bus, but under it?

(ROVE and DEAN share a manly laugh at BRAZILE’s folly.)

ROVE (reaches into a desk drawer, pulls out a humidor): May I offer you a cigar, Howard?

DEAN: Why, thank you, Karl. (ROVE does so.) I’m so looking forward to working with you. Now, what’s the next step for President Obama?

ROVE: Have you ever heard of Diebold, Howard?

(LIGHTS OUT.)

Cross-posted at The Confluence

KKKarl Rove and Donna Brazile: Perfect Together

[Original photos here and here.]
A commenter at The Confluence found this extraordinary chronology of the relationship between KKKarl and Donna.

If you don’t have an “ah-HA!” moment after you read this, STEP AWAY FROM THE KOOL-AID. It’s obviously causing brain damage.

No wonder Obama is starting to sound like a right-wing Republican. No wonder he is getting such favorable media instead of McCain, the original and traditional Media Darling. No wonder he had so much money at the beginning of his campaign – over $100 million from Bush Pioneers, oil companies, and Republican bundlers. No wonder he won red-state caucuses so handily but often lost the primaries from those same states. (A prime example: The Texas Pri-Caucus. Hillary won the primaries but Obama won the caucuses; thus he claimed victory in the delegate count.) Obama earned more delegates from his Idaho caucus victory than Clinton did from her victories in Ohio, Texas and Rhode Island COMBINED.

The unholy matrimony between Bush’s Brain and the Democratic Party was cemented by Brazile’s desire to recreate the Democratic Party in the image of the Republican Party – but with African-Americans as the powerbrokers instead of rich white men. Incredibly, she calls this corruption of the Party of the working class “mobilizing the grassroots.”

As for Rove, he wanted to knock out John McCain, a man whom Bush has still not forgiven for voting against the Deciderer’s disastrous tax cuts, and of course make sure Hillary Clinton, the only strong progressive Democrat in the race, did not win the White House. There is no chance that Hillary would forgo the opportunity to prosecute Rove and Co. for all of their heinous crimes against America and its people.

But Obama? His chief legal advisor, Cass Sunstein, has already gone on record as saying that Bush-Cheney should not be impeached. And of course, Obama has already voted to immunize the telecom companies, and by extension the Bush Administration, for their illegal warrantless wiretapping of Americans. Of course, the warrantless wiretapping program is one of the most rock-solid reasons for impeachment, according to Constitutional law experts. Poof! There it went.

If Obama wins, the Bush agenda will continue, and there will be no accountability whatsoever for Rove, Cheney, Bush, Rumsfeld and Rice. If McCain wins, what happens next will be determined mostly by a Congress with a much larger Democratic majority than in 2006, and with a much more diverse set of interests than those pushing either McCain or Obama (and possibly Hillary Clinton as Senate Majority Leader).

I’ll take Choice B for $600, Alex.

By the way, if you’d like to remember what a real Democrat looks and sounds like, here’s Hillary speaking on the Senate floor about alternative energy investment and gas price reduction.

Ah, a Democratic politician who believes in Democratic values.

WANT.

Cross-posted at The Confluence

Action Alert – Send KKKarl to Jail!

Wanna prod your Congresscritters to do something about KKKarl? Watch this remarkably concise summation of Rove’s criminal doings from Robert Greenwald, then sign the petition to have the Turd Blossom permanently decked out in unflattering orange and leg chains. We all know that there is enough evidence to put this putz in jail for the next 40 years.

Executive privilege, my ass!

What About Bush? A Play in One Final Act.

THE SCENE: The Oval Office. PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH is absent from the seat behind the desk. VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY squats there instead, toad-like, hands folded on his stomach, chin down, snoring gently. A large box on the desk reads: “DC TRANSLATOR – PUSH RED BUTTON TO ACTIVATE.” There is a comfy-looking sofa on one side of the desk, and a couple of wing chairs rest on the other side.

The clock on the wall reads 8:59. It’s morning, and the windows are full of light.

The clock hits 9:00. BUSH enters through a side door, wiping a little extra powder from under his nose.

BUSH [walking over to CHENEY, amped]: Woo-hoo! [shakes CHENEY awake] That was some good shit, Dick. Paraguay again?

CHENEY: [grouchy] Grrrmmm-mmrrrm-prrrrmmmm! [CHENEY only speaks in sneers and mumbles.]

BUSH: God bless it, I forgot again. [presses red button on DC translator] Say what, Dick?

CHENEY: I said, no, that’s prime shit from Colombia. They’re upping their production lately.

BUSH: [crossing to sofa next to desk and lying on it, hands crossed behind his head] Well, shit, freedom isn’t free.

CHENEY: [rolling eyes] Sure, George, whatever you say. [brief, awkward pause]

BUSH: [fidgeting nervously] Heh-heh. Say, where’s Bolty with my daily briefing? You know how I hate it when people are late.

[JOSH BOLTEN, Bush’s Chief of Staff, enters through another door.]

BOLTEN [nervous]: H-h-hello, Mr. President. Mr. Vice President. I apologize for my inexcusable lateness, but there was a gas leak on my street, some houses exploded, and well, my wife and kids are dead. I had to make a few arrangements. [The clock on the wall still reads 9 am.]

BUSH: Gosh, that’s terrible, Bolty. I hope you know that your wife and kids died as heroes. We’re fighting them over there so we don’t have to fight them here! [Bush smiles expectantly. Awkward pause again.]

BOLTEN: Uh, thanks, Mr. President. That was, um, very inspirational.

BUSH: Of course it was! Now, just give me my briefing, and you can have the rest of the day off for the memorial service and golfing.

BOLTEN: G-g-golfing, sir?

BUSH: Sure! That’s what my parents did when my little sister died. Isn’t that what everyone does? Help me out here, Dick?

CHENEY [rolling his eyes]: Mrrrmmmm-hmphmmm-grmmmm!

BOLTEN: Darned thing! Here, let me, Mr. President. [crosses to desk, hits Cheney translator a couple of times, presses the red button again]

BUSH: Heh-heh. Never mind, we’ll catch you on the other side, Dick-o. So anyway, Bolty, how’s Operation Loose End going?

BOLTEN: [cheering up a bit] Excellente, sir! [His Spanish accent is impeccable.]

BUSH [threatened]: Say what now?

BOLTEN [contritely]: Oh, I apologize for my poor pronunciation, sir. I mean [butchering the word] excellente! [sits in one of the wing chairs next to the desk]

BUSH [relieved]: Oh. Okay then! So, we finally got that asshole Maliki to open the gates? [CHENEY smirks widely.]

BOLTEN: Yessir, that mission is accomplished. Iraq’s oil leases are ready for the taking.

CHENEY: Heckuva job, Georgie! Thank Halliburton that no one was able to get access to my secret energy meeting minutes before we invaded Iraq.

BUSH: Heh-heh. Yeah, Dick-o, wouldn’t have been too good if the American people knew how you guys were already divvying up the pot back in Oh-One, now, would it? [All three snicker knowingly.]

BUSH: All right, Bolty, what other good news ya got for me?

BOLTEN: Well, sir, now that the North Koreans are no longer on the Axis of Evil – good job there, Mr. President – we’ve only got two countries left to invade. Which one should we bomb?

[BUSH looks helplessly at CHENEY.]

CHENEY: Do you need to go to the bathroom again, George?

BUSH: [getting up and pacing] No, no, waitaminute, I know this one – the other countries are, Iraq and Lebanon, right?

BOLTEN: Very close, sir! Mr. Vice President, can you show the President the chart again? I updated it myself after the good news from Kim-Jung Il.

[CHENEY sighs dramatically, then stands up laboriously, pulling down a chart from above the President’s desk. The chart looks like this.]

BUSH [squinting dubiously]: Oh, yeah! I remember those guys. Thanks, Bolty! [sits down in a wing chair next to BOLTEN, who gazes at BUSH adoringly] So, who do you think we should bomb, Dick-o?

CHENEY: Well, George, you know, I think we shouldn’t bomb either of them now. We’ve got the oil leases. Let’s just kick back and celebrate your glorious successes until they inaugurate McCain in 2009.

BUSH: You, uh, seem pretty confident that McCain is gonna win this thing. What about this guy Obambo?

BOLTEN: That’s Obama, sir. Barack Obama.

BUSH: Barack a-What-a? Jeezus Christmas, what a crazy name. Anywho, Fristy and Boney tell me the Democrats are gonna cream ’em in Congress in November. They’re so depressed, they’re thinking of spending time with their families, if ya know what I mean.

BOLTEN: They must be depressed, sir – have you seen their families? [All three chortle manfully.]

BUSH: Seriously, guys – I’m a little nervous that after the new President comes in, they might do that impeachment thing to me and Dick. I mean, if that idiot Kerry had been elected in 2004, we would have started impeachin’ him in February of Oh-Five!

CHENEY: The Democrats won’t win this one, George. Obama has, shall we say, religious problems. You know, that “God Damn America” guy? And he launched his Senate career from a terrorist’s doorstep.

BUSH: Terrorists? Where? Freedom is on the march!!! [awkward silence]

BOLTEN [jumping in]: Yes, sir, it sure is! Anyway, what the Vice President is saying, is that the Democrats nominated the one guy who couldn’t win this year. The Democratic base doesn’t like him, and he’s managed to piss off a lot of people so much that they started their own movement.

BUSH: Oh yeah – that PUMA stuff. Can you believe that some morons think those PUMA idiots are Republicans? We wouldn’t stand for that shit in our house, would we Turd Blossom?

[KKKARL ROVE steps out from behind a curtain.]

ROVE: No, we sure wouldn’t. The idiots in our party wanted Huckabee. We put a stop to that crap right away.

I agree with Dick. The Democratic Party won’t win the White House in November. We’ve got our ads all ready to go – we’re just waiting in case the Democrats come to their senses and nominate Hillary.

BUSH [flinching]: Jeezus, TB, don’t bring up that bitch’s name to me. I have nightmares about her sitting in this office and destroying everything we’ve done! My legacy could be in ruins! No more signing statements. No more torture. No more warrantless wiretapping. No more tax breaks for our friends and family. She could make the middle class strong again, and then who’d vote for us? And you know she is just DYING to impeach our butts. [pause]

Gimme a drink, Dick. [CHENEY reaches into a desk drawer and pulls out a bottle of Jack Daniels. BUSH takes a long swig out of the bottle and puts it down on the desk.] Whoooo-ee, that’s the stuff. Sorry for the freak-out, boys, but that woman scares the shit out of me.

[All three others in unison]: Me too!

BUSH: All right, Karl, you can go back behind the curtains again. You’re not supposed to be here, ya know.

ROVE: Right you are, George. [obeys]

BOLTEN: [clearing throat] Okay, so, to summarize, everything’s great, no threats on the horizon, and you’re set for a clear landing in January.

CHENEY: I’ll drink to that! [swigs from the same bottle as BUSH] You can go now, Josh. [BOLTEN salutes, then leaves the office.]

BUSH: [going back to the couch] Hey, Dick – you got any more of that stuff you gave me before? I gotta go clear Condi’s brush. Heh-heh.

[LIGHTS OUT]

Oh, This is Too Good to Be True.

McCain and Rove Form a Tentative Alliance

On Friday, a day after Karl Rove donated $2300 to John McCain’s campaign, McCain (R-AZ) put aside a longstanding grudge over Rove’s famously bold tactics in securing George Bush the 2000 GOP nomination, and said that Rove’s advice would be welcome in his campaign.

“Nobody denies he’s one of the smartest political minds in America,” McCain said. “I’d be glad to get his advice. I get advice from a lot of people. I’d be happy to have his advice.”

Now, let me get this straight.

The American populace is screaming for a change. Bush’s policies are proven disasters in every area. His approval ratings are Nixonian. The “wrong direction” numbers are 80%/20%. So, as the Republic nominee, the smartest thing to do would be to try to distance yourself from Bush, right? And since McCain is the recognized “maverickstraightshooterindependent” of the Republic Party, that shouldn’t be so difficult. Right?

Let’s look at this strategery from the so-called “strongest” Republic candidate.

War, My Friends

McCain is on record stating that he wants to be in Iraq for 100 years. He has also been caught on YouTube singing “Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran.” He’s gathered some of the most hated – and famously wrong – neoconservative warmongers to advise him on “more wars, my friends.”

EXACTLY LIKE BUSH.

The Economy – Stupid?

McClueless recently stated that he didn’t understand the economy very well and said in his defense, “I have Greenspan’s book.” Hmmmm, Alan Greenspan – wasn’t that Bush’s boy, whose advice led us directly into the Bush Depression?

EXACTLY LIKE BUSH.

Running a Negative Campaign – Good, or Really Really Great?

Both Hackabee and McCain have flamed Willard Romney for running a negative campaign. Yet, McCain has now shown himself to be willing to embrace the King/Queen of All Dirty Tricks, KKKarl Rove – otherwise known as “Bush’s Brain.”

EXACTLY. LIKE. BUSH.

Oh, McMaverick, you’re just so dumb it’s priceless. You’re going down in flames just like your pathetic Chimp-In-Chief. You could have used the Lurve of the Matthews pundits, and your baseless reputation as a “straight talker,” to promote just how different you are from Bush. Hell, it might even have worked. But instead, you’re running to embrace him once again.

It’s too good to be true, but I think it is. And despite the assurances of the traditional media, it’s great news for Democrats.