Category Archives: evil

Uncle Richard Bruce Explains it All: A Play in One Unbalanced Act.

Hes Got the Whole World In His Hands...

He's Got the Whole World In His Hands...

AUTHOR’S NOTE: When I heard yesterday that Unka Dick was writing a book criticizing George Bush for “going soft” on “their” policies in the final year of his Presidency, I couldn’t help imagining what he would say. This is the result. Enjoy!

 

THE SCENE: Dick Cheney’s secret bunker, erm, house. It is lushly appointed in Modern Dungeon, with grey walls mimicking the look of concrete, medieval torture devices tastefully displayed in gleaming mahogany cabinets with recessed lighting, and an old electric chair given pride of place in a prominent corner. Pictures of Cheney with Nixon, Kissinger and other reviled figures of the American past are positioned artfully on the walls. There are some obvious empty spaces where the pictures of Dick and Dubya used to hang. On the mantle over the stone fireplace are family pictures in black ebony frames; the 75-inch flatscreen TV is perpetually tuned to Fox News. The whole place seems like a museum, and a rather uninviting one at that.

DICK is seated in a leather armchair by the fireplace, waiting impatiently, sipping on a bourbon and water. He is half-drunk, as usual. Finally, his wife LYNNE enters the room with another woman, in her early sixties, and well-put together.

LYNNE: Dick, here she is. What did you say your name was again, honey?

WOMAN: Mrs. Cheney, my name is Frances Wood – I’m here to help Dick with his book.

LYNNE: Well now, Frances, I think you’re going to work out just wonderfully. I’ll leave you both to your work. I just know it’s going to be a huge best-seller!

(LYNNE exits.)

DICK (motioning to a chair opposite him): Well, sit down, Frances, sit down. Tell me about yourself. Do you have a lot of ghostwriting experience?

FRANCES: Actually, yes. I write all of the books for Regnery Press. You know, the conservative publishing house? Michelle Malkin, Bernie Goldberg…folks like that.

DICK (impressed): Well! It looks like I’m in very good hands then.

FRANCES (faux-modestly): I like to think so. So, Mr. Vice President –

DICK (interrupting): Call me Dick. Everyone does.

FRANCES: Well, uh, Dick, where would you like to start?

DICK: At the beginning, of course! Chapter 1: The Nixon Years.

FRANCES: Perfect! May I turn on my tape recorder?

DICK (panicking): NO! No tape recorders! I get to wiretap you, not the other way around!

FRANCES (shocked): Uh, what?

DICK (recovering himself): Oh! Sorry. Just a reflex.  Ha! Well. Where was I? Ah yes. Chapter 1: The Nixon Years. (leaning back in his chair and reminiscing) Ah, Dick Nixon was a great man. He had a problem with the drinking, you know: but otherwise, he was really on the right track.

FRANCES (encouragingly): In what way?

DICK (taking a sip of his drink): Remember when he said “When the president does it, that means that it is not illegal?” That was brilliant! Yes, if only he’d taken that farther, we would be in a much better place here in America. (abruptly standing, snarling) But no, that stupid Commie bastard Ford had to come in and ruin everything. PARDON Nixon. For what? A stupid burglary? That was child’s play, a nothing. The only mistake G. Gordon made was getting caught!

FRANCES (eagerly): Wow! This is great stuff, Dick. Please continue.

DICK (basking in her praise): Well, we can flesh that part out later. What I really want to talk about is how I developed my philosophy for world domination, and how that weak, drunken fool (air quotes) “Dubya” ruined everything!

(sitting on the arm of the chair, deliciously remembering his glory days)

DICK: It all began with a group of dreamers. Me and some guys from the American Enterprise Institute and the Heritage Foundation, we decided that after President Reagan caused the USSR to destroy itself in Afghanistan, we needed a new focus for American foreign policy. At the same time, we realized that as much as we love our oil men in Texas, their time was coming to an end. Pretty soon the U.S. of A. was going to need all of that oil in the Middle East in order to survive. And of course, we knew that with the rise of that wimp Al Gore’s (air quotes) “internet,” nuclear weapons were going to start proliferating in countries that were very unfriendly to our interests.

And so was born – the Project for the New American Century!

(A fanfare bursts out in the room.)

FRANCES (jumping up, startled, hand on heart): Oh my goodness!

DICK (confused): Huh? (light dawning) Oh, that! Oh don’t worry, Frances. I’ll have it  turned off. The house is wired for certain..special effects. (Presses a button under the arm of the chair) There! That should be the last time you hear it.

FRANCES (calming down, but now confused in turn): Special…effects?

DICK (embarrassed): Ummmm, yes. You see, it’s hard for some people to understand my speech, so we have a Cheney to English translater built into the house. (gesturing) My words are processed as they exit my mouth, so you can better receive my wisdom. But that’s not why we’re here, so let’s get back on track, shall we? We were talking about – my glorious vision! 

(sits back down in the chair)

FRANCES: Yes, tell me more about (looks around apprehensively), um, PNAC?

(No fanfare. FRANCES sighs with relief.)

DICK: Yes, PNAC! Well, we understood that weak-minded, lily-livered hick, Bill Clinton was destroying America with all that so-called peace and prosperity. We knew it was time to do something quick! So here it is: Our Statement of Principles, from 1997. I can recite it from memory, of course.

(declaiming)

“We seem to have forgotten the essential elements of the Reagan Administration’s success: a military that is strong and ready to meet both present and future challenges; a foreign policy that boldly and purposefully promotes American principles abroad; and national leadership that accepts the United States’ global responsibilities.

Of course, the United States must be prudent in how it exercises its power. But we cannot safely avoid the responsibilities of global leadership or the costs that are associated with its exercise. America has a vital role in maintaining peace and security in Europe, Asia, and the Middle East. If we shirk our responsibilities, we invite challenges to our fundamental interests. The history of the 20th century should have taught us that it is important to shape circumstances before crises emerge, and to meet threats before they become dire. The history of this century should have taught us to embrace the cause of American leadership.

Our aim is to remind Americans of these lessons and to draw their consequences for today. Here are four consequences:

• we need to increase defense spending significantly if we are to carry out our global
responsibilities today and modernize our armed forces for the future;

• we need to strengthen our ties to democratic allies and to challenge regimes hostile to our interests and values;

• we need to promote the cause of political and economic freedom abroad;

• we need to accept responsibility for America’s unique role in preserving and extending an international order friendly to our security, our prosperity, and our principles.

Such a Reaganite policy of military strength and moral clarity may not be fashionable today. But it is necessary if the United States is to build on the successes of this past century and to ensure our security and our greatness in the next.”

(DICK looks expectantly at FRANCES. She is spellbound, but then, comes out of it to give DICK a round of applause.)

FRANCES: Bra-vo, Dick! And how did PNAC proceed after that?

DICK: Well, we wrote a letter in 1998 trying to convince ol’ Billy Boy to invade Eye-Raq. We had some of our Congressmen do the same. But it didn’t work. He couldn’t see the opportunity and the danger of Saddam’s evil regime. But when we got Georgie in the White House, we knew we had struck gold. And 9/11, well, that was just great for us! It was the perfect excuse to do what we had wanted to do from Day One. We even put one of our members in charge in Afghanistan! Allahu akbar, baby!

FRANCES (smiling, tactfully): Uh, Dick, I might not put that in the book. I mean, we want people to like you and sympathize with you. Right?

DICK (standing abruptly, thundering and pointing his finger): LIKE me? Do you think I give a shit about that? This book is about being RIGHT and setting the record straight. I can still influence the direction of this country and keep it from descending into complete chaos! It’s my duty as an American!

(taking a deep breath, calming himself)

Now, if you will excuse me, I think I need a break. We’ll continue in an hour or so. Please feel free to help yourself to whatever you need in the kitchen. The maid will be along shortly to give you a tour of the house.

(DICK exits.)

(FRANCES, mindful of the bugs in the Cheney home, turns up the sound on the TV. She furtively takes out a cell phone and makes a call.)

FRANCES (in a stage whisper): Hello? Laura? It’s me, Frances. It’s working out just like you said it would! Dick is even more nuts than you told me! (listening) Yes, I heard the fanfare. (listening) Trust me. When I’m done with Dick Cheney, your husband George is going to look like a saint! (listening) You’re welcome, honey. Anything for a fellow Kappa Alpha Theta! KAT Forever! Bye, honey!

(FRANCES hangs up the phone happily.)

(LIGHTS OUT.)

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Barack Obama’s First 100 Days: A Play in One Conspiratorial Act.

Who is Hiding Behind These Masks?

Who is Hiding Behind These Masks?

SCENE ONE: The President of the United States, BARACK OBAMA, is sitting in the back of his plushly-appointed limousine. A TV screen showing constantly looping DVD’s of OBAMA’S greatest speeches is strategically placed in front of his eyes. It has a calming effect on him in these days of stress and strain. OBAMA is smoking a cigarette to further relax him in preparation for the meeting he is about to attend.

LIMO DRIVER: Where to, Mr. President? We’ve been driving in circles for 15 minutes now.

OBAMA: Is anyone following us, Frank?

LD: Just the usual photographers and Secret Service, Mr. President.

OBAMA: Ditch the photogs, Frank. The Secret Service knows where we’re going.

LD (with slowly dawning realization): Ohhhhhh. We’re going THERE. (impressed and determined) Hang on, sir. I’ll get you there  in no time.

OBAMA (leaning back in his seat, enjoying his smoke): Good, good. Don’t want to keep them waiting. They hate to wait.

(LIGHTS OUT.)

SCENE TWO:  The hallway of an anonymous office building somewhere in DC. There is no art on the walls, which are a tasteful ecru. A plush beige carpet leads to a nondescript blond wood door. OBAMA walks confidently down the hall and approaches the door.

DOOR (in sultry female voice): Welcome, President Obama.

OBAMA (with a big smile): Hello there, sweetie.

DOOR: Please speak today’s password phrase.

OBAMA (exasperated): Come on, you just recognized me! I’m the President of the United States. Just let me in already!

DOOR (implacably): Please speak today’s password phrase.

OBAMA: Awwwww, shit.  Uh, um…”We get the bucks, your life sucks?”

DOOR: Password incorrect. Two more tries, Mr. President.

OBAMA: The notion that somehow you would deny me entry…I’m the leader of the free world! How can you do this to me?!

DOOR: Do not try to baffle me with bullshit, Mr. President. I am not made to Obot specifications. (implacably) Please speak today’s password phrase.

OBAMA: SHIT! Uh, ummmmm…

(The trademark grin spreads across his face as he remembers the password)

OBAMA: Blood for oil, we get the spoils!

DOOR: Thank you, Mr. President. (the door clicks open) Welcome to the meeting.

(OBAMA walks through the door. LIGHTS OUT.)

SCENE THREE: A typical conference room. The bland decor of the hallway is echoed in the blonde wood, beige leather chairs and beige plush carpeting. The only ornamentation is one large P on the center of the back panel of the wall facing the audience.

Clustered around the stage left side of the table are five people in black robes and white, expressionless masks in the Greek tragedy tradition. Their sex, age and physical appearance are all indeterminate. They have voice-scramblers in their masks, to further hide their identities; the effect of this alteration is to make their words even more inhumane and eerie.

BARACK OBAMA enters stage right, strutting confidently. He takes his seat at the table, across from the five mysterious figures.

OBAMA: Hey, guys, how’s it going?

FIGURE 1 (pointing a finger intimidatingly): WE will ask the questions. YOU will answer.

OBAMA (only slightly daunted): Don’t worry about it, I’m cool. Uh, um…mind if I smoke in here?

FIGURE 2 (forbiddingly): Yes.

OBAMA (more sheepishly): Oh.

FIGURE 3: If you have QUITE finished stalling, young man, we will now proceed with your 100-day performance review.

(A screen comes down in front of the “P” in the back of the room. A blank report card entitled “BARACK OBAMA: FIRST 100 DAYS” appears on the screen. As the figures name the items being graded, the name of the item and the grade fill in the blanks.)

FIGURE 4 (whispering to 3): Are you sure the report card format was such a good idea? He’s not Dubya, you know.

FIGURE 3 (whispering back): Trust me.

FIGURE 5: Now, let’s check your progress on the Patriarchal Agenda. Hmmmm…let’s see. Item number one: Keeping our war machine oiled and running smoothly.

FIGURE 1 (snickering): Oiled! Ha ha ha!

(ALL FIGURES laugh. OBAMA looks puzzled, but gamely joins in the laughter.)

FIGURE 5 (pleased): I thought you’d like that! Anyway, our employee here gets…oooh! An A Plus!

OBAMA (preening): You’re darned right. And it wasn’t easy, either, especially when I talked about how I was against the Iraq war for two years and promised to end it…and now, I’m getting away with continuing it indefinitely. Some trick, huh? Plus, I’m even doing a surge in Afghanistan and building up to a third war in Pock-ee-stan – and not a protest in sight!

ALL FIGURES: Bravo!

Continue reading

It’s a New Day…

and yet, McCaca is still a warmongering asshole.

Republican U.S. presidential candidate John McCain said on Wednesday he would not rule out launching preemptive wars against future enemies.

President George W. Bush, in launching his 2003 invasion of Iraq, said it was necessary to forestall possible future attacks from a country that was developing weapons of mass destruction.

None of the weapons he alleged were in Iraq were subsequently found.

[snip]

When asked at a town hall meeting about the Bush policy on preemption, McCain said: “I don’t think you can make a blanket statement about preemptive war because obviously it depends on the threat that the United States of America faces.”

After the Sept. 11 attacks Bush approved a new national security strategy in 2002 that allowed the United States to strike first against U.S. enemies believed to be about to use weapons of mass destruction against America.

The doctrine triggered a wide debate and criticism from the administration’s critics at the time.

Folks, as the once-great Randi Rhodes used to say, “When they show you who they are, BELIEVE THEM.”

Iraq for 100 years? HE MEANS IT.

More wars? HE MEANS IT.

This is the future of our country if McCaca becomes president in 2009. Please don’t be under any illusion that he is a moderate of any sort. He’s just another tool of the military-industrial complex.

And don’t forget that he doesn’t really understand economics. Just what we need, since the economy is so awesomely strong and robust!

Waitaminute

In the Land of Mordor

Okay, I admit it – I’m a fool for Tolkien, and the billion-hour extended DVD versions of the LOTR movies are beyond delicious. This weekend, my husband and I took some time off from our taxes and endless apartment work to watch some of the series.

All I could think of as I watched the misshapen Orcs toiling in a Mordor that resembled a nuclear wasteland, as I watched Saruman willingly turn his beautiful home of Isengard into a smoking hole, was Bush, Cheney, Rove, and the modern conservative movement.

In my mind, we humans are in the same desperate case as Tolkien’s fictional Elves, Dwarves and Hobbits. The craze for industry, without a thought to its effects on the world’s natural beauty and resources, has polluted and destroyed much of our planet. The ice shelves in the Antarctic are starting to crack and melt, raising the possibility of the sea level rising several feet and drowning major American cities. Of course, the endless strife we have caused and exacerbated in the Middle East, has done its share of destruction as well. Besides the bombing of “shock and awe,” we have also been poisoning the lands and people (including our own soldiers) with depleted uranium.

As a person who is not caught up in the elaborate Orwellian fictions of today’s conservatism, you have to sit back and marvel. How can anyone see the results of this philosophy all around them – tens of millions in poverty, war that never ends, an environment turning blacker and uglier by the day – and still feel comfortable with the Mordor-ization of their world? Do they want to be nothing but Orcs, never achieving their full humanity, slaving away at dead-end jobs, living in filth and squalor, and being thrown into the grinder of the military machine whenever their Dark Lord deems it necessary?

The answer is simple. As John Dean points out in his invaluable book “Conservatives Without Conscience,” today’s conservative already sees the world as an ugly and essentially evil place. Human beings are not noble, they’re sinners and fatally flawed. Thus, there is no hope for a better world. The religious conservatives, indeed, are actively trying to bring about Armageddon, in the hope that Jesus will return and Rapture the true believers into Heaven. In their case, the more destruction, the better. Praise the Lord!

No wonder we non-conservatives have been so despondent for the past 28 years (with a small eight-year respite during the Clinton Presidency). We are seeing the darkness of the conservative mind take shape all around us. Yet, like the characters in the Tolkien books, we are late and slow in taking action, and the Shadow appears to be too strong to be defeated. Many are taking the Elvish route of non-involvement, whereas others have joined the Enemy out of a lust for power and wealth.

Yet we must not despair, for the Shadow can never win. The forces of creation and renewal will always triumph over the forces of destruction. So it has always been, and so it shall ever be – as long as we are committed to defeating the darkness.

We do have hopes and dreams and plans for a better future, for we are liberals and progressives and moderates and independents, and we don’t want to live in the Land of Mordor. And though we may suffer greatly at the hands of Bush, Cheney and their enablers all over the world, in the end, if we fight for our country and our globe, we will triumph.

Peace and love be with you today, and always.

FEMA Decides They’re Doing a Heckuva Job

From the Are You Fucking Kidding Me File:

FEMA stages fake news conference with P.R. people playing the role of journalists

Those weren’t reporters questioning the deputy chief of FEMA earlier this week, they were federal employees playing the role of journalists during a televised briefing on the wildfires in southern California.

An agency spokesman tells The Washington Post that they didn’t have time to wait for real reporters to come to their office near the U.S. Capitol. “We had been getting mobbed with phone calls from reporters, and this was thrown together at the last minute,” Mike Widomski, FEMA’s deputy director of public affairs, tells the paper.

This has been a horrible, horrible week for the victims of the wildfires in San Diego and the surrounding areas. How must they feel, knowing that their government is so disingenous, so terrified of its own constituents, that it feels it can’t even face the milquetoast, cowed traditional media at a press conference? That its incompetence would blaze so bright that even Fox News Channel might be forced to point it out?

Perhaps they had a clue when Bush showed up for his 4-hour photo-op yesterday and said this:

“We’ve got a big problem out here,” the president said near the end of his quick, four-hour visit. “We want the people to know there’s a better day ahead – that today your life may look dismal, but tomorrow life’s going to be better,” Mr. Bush said. “And to the extent that the federal government can help you, we want to do so.”

To the extent that the federal government can help you? We WANT to do so? Talk about parsing. Talk about the “meaning of ‘is’.” Gee, is it me, or does it seem that Bush actually promised NO HELP WHATSOEVER?

Yes, this is what you get when you buy into the neo-conservative idea that government shouldn’t do anything to help people – a guy who thinks that the government shouldn’t do anything to help people. Do we understand yet how bankrupt, how immoral, how completely and utterly WRONG this philosophy is? Or do the victims of Katrina and Rita have to be drowned all over again? Do more bridges have to collapse? Do we have to bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran, as John McCain would quip?

What is it going to take for the press to stop giving these neo-con, fascist freaks valuable time and money, to realize that their point of view is not valid and is, indeed, harmful to the United States – and for them to state these truths on the front page and on the Teevee?

The original story in the Washington Post was on page A-19, and I’ll be shocked if any news program other than Countdown with Keith Olbermann picks it up. You’d think that fake news would be a huge story, reminding people of Pravda and all, but apparently, it’s more important that Britney Spears did something or other today. Or was it Lindsay Lohan?

If I were a California resident who had lost my home, I would be both hopeful and pessimistic today. I’d be hopeful because the state has a Republican governor; but I’d be pessimistic because FEMA will not be coming to my aid. Not now, not ever – unless I want to live in a formaldehyde-ridden trailer. And that is a tragedy of American proportions.

Perfection

I haven’t mentioned Ann Coulter’s mind-blowing statements on The Big Idea with Donnie Deutsch, mainly because it’s taken me a while to process my outrage and horror. But here’s how I feel about it.

Jesus said, “Turn the other cheek.”

Ann Coulter said, “We should invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity. We weren’t punctilious about locating and punishing only Hitler and his top officers. We carpet-bombed German cities; we killed civilians. That’s war. And this is war.”

If Ann’s version of “Christianity” is perfection, then thank the Giant Green Lizard this Jewish woman hasn’t reached it.

What Frank Rich Said.

Many, many years too late, some brave few in the traditional media have finally begun making the Fascist/Nazi/Bushie connection many of us have been screaming about since the Supreme Court stole the presidency from Al Gore.

Frank Rich is one of them.

Our moral trajectory over the Bush years could not be better dramatized than it was by a reunion of an elite group of two dozen World War II veterans in Washington this month. They were participants in a top-secret operation to interrogate some 4,000 Nazi prisoners of war. Until now, they have kept silent, but America’s recent record prompted them to talk to The Washington Post.

“We got more information out of a German general with a game of chess or Ping-Pong than they do today, with their torture,” said Henry Kolm, 90, an M.I.T. physicist whose interrogation of Rudolf Hess, Hitler’s deputy, took place over a chessboard. George Frenkel, 87, recalled that he “never laid hands on anyone” in his many interrogations, adding, “I’m proud to say I never compromised my humanity.”

Our humanity has been compromised by those who use Gestapo tactics in our war. The longer we stand idly by while they do so, the more we resemble those “good Germans” who professed ignorance of their own Gestapo. It’s up to us to wake up our somnambulant Congress to challenge administration policy every day. Let the war’s last supporters filibuster all night if they want to. There is nothing left to lose except whatever remains of our country’s good name.

According to Senator Bernie Sanders, progressive and Independent from Vermont, the reason that Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi don’t force the Fascists to filibuster on the war is that all other business would cease while it continued. While I understand that line of thinking, I agree with Mr. Rich. There IS no other business until this war ends and our Constitution is restored. We are slowly becoming a fascist state, and going shopping won’t fix it.

There are massive anti-war demonstrations on October 27th. NTodd has many ideas at Pax Americana. Whatever your way of protesting, I hope you are doing it loudly, strongly and often.

It’s the American way. At least, it used to be.