SCENE ONE: The President of the United States, BARACK OBAMA, is sitting in the back of his plushly-appointed limousine. A TV screen showing constantly looping DVD’s of OBAMA’S greatest speeches is strategically placed in front of his eyes. It has a calming effect on him in these days of stress and strain. OBAMA is smoking a cigarette to further relax him in preparation for the meeting he is about to attend.
LIMO DRIVER: Where to, Mr. President? We’ve been driving in circles for 15 minutes now.
OBAMA: Is anyone following us, Frank?
LD: Just the usual photographers and Secret Service, Mr. President.
OBAMA: Ditch the photogs, Frank. The Secret Service knows where we’re going.
LD (with slowly dawning realization): Ohhhhhh. We’re going THERE. (impressed and determined) Hang on, sir. I’ll get you there in no time.
OBAMA (leaning back in his seat, enjoying his smoke): Good, good. Don’t want to keep them waiting. They hate to wait.
SCENE TWO: The hallway of an anonymous office building somewhere in DC. There is no art on the walls, which are a tasteful ecru. A plush beige carpet leads to a nondescript blond wood door. OBAMA walks confidently down the hall and approaches the door.
DOOR (in sultry female voice): Welcome, President Obama.
OBAMA (with a big smile): Hello there, sweetie.
DOOR: Please speak today’s password phrase.
OBAMA (exasperated): Come on, you just recognized me! I’m the President of the United States. Just let me in already!
DOOR (implacably): Please speak today’s password phrase.
OBAMA: Awwwww, shit. Uh, um…”We get the bucks, your life sucks?”
DOOR: Password incorrect. Two more tries, Mr. President.
OBAMA: The notion that somehow you would deny me entry…I’m the leader of the free world! How can you do this to me?!
DOOR: Do not try to baffle me with bullshit, Mr. President. I am not made to Obot specifications. (implacably) Please speak today’s password phrase.
OBAMA: SHIT! Uh, ummmmm…
(The trademark grin spreads across his face as he remembers the password)
OBAMA: Blood for oil, we get the spoils!
DOOR: Thank you, Mr. President. (the door clicks open) Welcome to the meeting.
(OBAMA walks through the door. LIGHTS OUT.)
SCENE THREE: A typical conference room. The bland decor of the hallway is echoed in the blonde wood, beige leather chairs and beige plush carpeting. The only ornamentation is one large P on the center of the back panel of the wall facing the audience.
Clustered around the stage left side of the table are five people in black robes and white, expressionless masks in the Greek tragedy tradition. Their sex, age and physical appearance are all indeterminate. They have voice-scramblers in their masks, to further hide their identities; the effect of this alteration is to make their words even more inhumane and eerie.
BARACK OBAMA enters stage right, strutting confidently. He takes his seat at the table, across from the five mysterious figures.
OBAMA: Hey, guys, how’s it going?
FIGURE 1 (pointing a finger intimidatingly): WE will ask the questions. YOU will answer.
OBAMA (only slightly daunted): Don’t worry about it, I’m cool. Uh, um…mind if I smoke in here?
FIGURE 2 (forbiddingly): Yes.
OBAMA (more sheepishly): Oh.
FIGURE 3: If you have QUITE finished stalling, young man, we will now proceed with your 100-day performance review.
(A screen comes down in front of the “P” in the back of the room. A blank report card entitled “BARACK OBAMA: FIRST 100 DAYS” appears on the screen. As the figures name the items being graded, the name of the item and the grade fill in the blanks.)
FIGURE 4 (whispering to 3): Are you sure the report card format was such a good idea? He’s not Dubya, you know.
FIGURE 3 (whispering back): Trust me.
FIGURE 5: Now, let’s check your progress on the Patriarchal Agenda. Hmmmm…let’s see. Item number one: Keeping our war machine oiled and running smoothly.
FIGURE 1 (snickering): Oiled! Ha ha ha!
(ALL FIGURES laugh. OBAMA looks puzzled, but gamely joins in the laughter.)
FIGURE 5 (pleased): I thought you’d like that! Anyway, our employee here gets…oooh! An A Plus!
OBAMA (preening): You’re darned right. And it wasn’t easy, either, especially when I talked about how I was against the Iraq war for two years and promised to end it…and now, I’m getting away with continuing it indefinitely. Some trick, huh? Plus, I’m even doing a surge in Afghanistan and building up to a third war in Pock-ee-stan – and not a protest in sight!
ALL FIGURES: Bravo!
OBAMA (faux-modestly): Hey, thanks, but you know I can’t take all the credit. The fact that you all have total control of big media tends to smooth things over a bit.
FIGURE 2 (indignantly): A BIT? Young man, that is the entire reason you are sitting here today. We thought Georgie was our toughest sell…until YOU came along, with your crazy preachers, Chicago corruption and a resume thinner than Victoria Beckham. We had to spend almost a billion dollars on you, Barack!
OBAMA (indignantly): Hey! Now wait a second. You are forgetting the fact that I am, well, me. What other President could have convinced liberals that I was on their side? Or that Bill and Hillary Clinton were racists, along with all their supporters? I don’t look like those guys on the dollar bills, you know!
FIGURE 5 (impatiently): ENOUGH! We don’t have a lot of time. Let’s just all give ourselves a well-deserved pat on the back for the A Plus, and move on to the next item, Keeping Women Down. Again, a very high grade: B+.
OBAMA (hurt): B+? What’s up with that?
FIGURE 4: Well, you did manage to all but destroy Sarah Palin, and get women’s organizations to shut up and support you despite your obvious misogyny during the primaries. Plus, you’re keeping the evangelicals happy with all your weak-to-nonexistent support for reproductive rights.
OBAMA (grinning): Hey, that’s more like it!
FIGURE 5: BUT…why hasn’t Hillary Clinton been destroyed? Her popularity is higher than ever! She should have been forced to retreat into the Senate, where she would have gone back to being a junior Senator with little to no input on domestic policy. Now she’s running all over the globe talking about women’s rights and all that nonsense. Couldn’t you have done something about her?!
OBAMA: Guys, come on, you’ve been trying to destroy that woman for decades. Have YOU been successful?
(An abashed silence is his only response.)
OBAMA (satisfied): I THOUGHT so. I want an A!
FIGURE 5: Point taken. A it is! So far, this is one of the best performance reviews we’ve ever given.
OBAMA (smugly): Of course it is.
FIGURE 5: Okay, the final item on the agenda is: Keeping us in business. And your grade on this is…another A!
(All the figures burst into applause.)
FIGURE 3: Barack, you have really done an amazing job. You have managed to transfer trillions of dollars into our pockets, while giving the ants we enslave nothing but an extra $8/week in their pockets. That is, of course, if they still have jobs – which, thanks to us, most of them don’t.
(ALL FIGURES laugh dismissively.)
OBAMA: Um, guys, I have a question.
FIGURE 1 (condescendingly): Yes?
OBAMA: What’s going to happen when no one has a job anymore? I mean, how will you all stay in business?
FIGURE 2 (snottily): What a stupid question! Anyone can see you have no grasp whatsoever of macroeconomics. Obviously, when we have all the money, we will simply do away with the minimum wage and have full employment again…at 25 cents a day. More money for us!
ALL FIGURES: MORE MONEY!!!!
OBAMA (relieved): Oh, okay. That’s cool then. (anxious again) Uh, my salary will remain the same, right?
FIGURE 3: Absolutely! That’s one of the perks you get for being a direct employee of the patriarchy. And now, it’s time for our next meeting, so if you’d be so kind as to –
OBAMA (interrupting): Just one more question?
FIGURE 4 (sighing): Get on with it, young man.
OBAMA: As you know, I am totally fine with keeping women and gays out of sight and out of mind. But why is it so important to you?
FIGURE 1: Well, first of all, God tells us that women and gays are sinful.
(A pause, then all the figures, including OBAMA, burst into laughter.)
OBAMA (wiping his eyes): Ha! Ha! No, seriously.
FIGURE 4: Seriously? It’s because in order for us to exist, the male principle must dominate over the female principle. (seeing Obama’s lost look) For heaven’s sake, Barack, wouldja just read that book we gave you?
OBAMA (annoyed): “The Chalice and the Blade?” Do you have any idea how long that book is? I’ve got stuff to do! I don’t have time to read when I have to walk the dog, do photo-ops with Michelle, take vacations and implement YOUR agenda. (looking at his watch) Shit! That reminds me. I hear that the Taliban is taking over Afghanistan AND Pock-ee-stan. Gotta go give a few speeches to convince the anti-war nutjobs that I’m a man of peace, then get ready for some shock and awe, Obama-style. Yes, I can!
FIGURE 5: Don’t let us keep you, Barack. Go home and tell Michelle that you got all A’s. She’ll be so proud!
(OBAMA gets up, bows deeply to the PATRIARCHY, then begins to exit confidently the same way he came in. A sudden thought gives him pause. He stops and turns around.)
OBAMA: Hey. Um, uh…how do I join your group?
ALL FIGURES (shocked to their core): WHAAAAAAAT?
OBAMA (emboldened): Yeah. I want to join the Patriarchy! You guys have all the money and power. And all you have to do is sit around in these rooms a few hours a day deciding whom to enslave next. (His eyes begin to gleam.) It sounds absolutely perfect for me!
(The FIGURES look at each other. Then, FIGURE 1 stands authoritatively.)
FIGURE 1: First of all, MISTER President, you have no idea what we do all day. This room is just to make ants like you comfortable. (OBAMA’s face falls. Yes, to the Patriarchy, he is just another ant.) The places we meet are golf courses, corporate retreats, and yachts in the middle of the Caribbean. Second of all, the only way to get into our elite of the elite of the elite group is to either create and run a billion-dollar multinational corporation, or to be born into it, like #2 there.
FIGURE 2 (nervously): That wasn’t prudent, #1! Not at this juncture!
FIGURE 1 (almost kindly): So do you see how foolish you are, to think you could ever, ever become one of us?
OBAMA (accepting the inevitable): Oh. I get it. Well, at least I’m the Leader of the Free World. And I get to ride around in Air Force One! Life isn’t so bad. (regaining his cocky self-assurance) Later, guys! Thanks for the great report card!
(EXIT THE PRESIDENT.)
FIGURE 3: Wow! I can’t believe how cheap he works. We had to buy Gordon a tropical island and populate it with naked Asian virgins. All Barack wanted was a pat on the head!
FIGURE 4: I told you that $800 million would be the best investment we ever made. Who’s up next?
FIGURE 1: Sarkozy.
(All the figures groan.)
FIGURE 2: I know he’s a pain in the ass, but what can we do? He’s French.
FIGURE 4: I am French!
FIGURE 2 (sneering): Yeah? It shows, you shrugging, cheese-eating, superior jackass!
FIGURE 3: HEY! We don’t fight each other here. We leave the battles to the (air quotes) “people.” Remember?
(The two brawlers mumble in agreement.)
FIGURE 1: Don’t worry. If Nicolas gets too fresh, we’ll get Biden drunk and convince him to bomb Paris.
(All the figures burst into applause.)