(NOTE: This play was inspired by this quote from Dubya about why he’s writing a book about his time as President:
Bush said it will be fun to write and that “it’s going to be (about) the 12 toughest decisions I had to make.”
“I’m going to put people in my place, so when the history of this administration is written at least there’s an authoritarian voice (emphasis added) saying exactly what happened,” Bush said.
Thanks, George – and thanks, M3, for the quote!)
THE SCENE: Dubya’s swank new house in Dallas, Texas. No more fake ranchin’ and clearin’ brush for this Connecticut Cowboy! George is sitting in his home office, which is decorated in Rawhide Chic and covered with pictures of him in all his Preznitial glory. He is leaning back in his brown leather office chair and playing with a pencil, apparently in deep thought.
A knock is heard at the door.)
GEORGE: Come in!
(Dubya’s wife, LAURA, enters.)
LAURA: How are things going, honey? How’s your first day as a writer?
GEORGE: Well, Lumpy, I have to admit I’m having a tough time with gettin’ started. Turd Blossom says I have to pick my twelve hardest decisions as President and write about them. Heck, all my decisions were easy. I just followed my gut and listened to Dick. I slept like a baby every night!
LAURA: Well, the Jack and Coke cocktails didn’t hurt there!
GEORGE: Yeah, you mix a mean one, Lumpy! But seriously, you were a librarian – you know about books and things. Do you have any suggestions? I’m kinda stumped.
LAURA (sitting down in the wing chair opposite his desk): Well, honey, you could always hire a ghost writer. That’s what most people do.
GEORGE (sharply): No! I don’t want to do that. I want an – an authoritarian voice telling people EXACTLY what it was like to be in my shoes on 9/11. If you want an authoritarian, you gotta go with me!
LAURA (dryly): How true. Well, then, let’s try to make a list of your best moments in office. Let’s not worry about if they were tough decisions or not. Let’s show the people just how great you were at being The Decider!
GEORGE (smiling): Lumpy, you’ve done it again! Here, take notes while I pace.
(GEORGE hands LAURA a notepad and a large pen with a cowboy hat on it, then stands up and begins to pace the room. In total silence. It’s like a replay of “My Pet Goat,” only he’s moving instead of sitting and staring into space.)
LAURA: Honey? Aren’t you going to say something?
GEORGE (frustrated): Dammit, I’m thinkin’! This is hard work! Okay, okay – what about 9/11? That was a tough time, right?
LAURA (loyally): The toughest! So, how do we want to describe what it was like on that day?
GEORGE (stopping to declaim): It was the most importantest day of my life. I saw that the entire world was mine to change as I pleased. I had hit the trifecta!
LAURA: That’s great! Perfect! Very Master of the Universe, honey. We can flesh it out later. Okay, what about Iraq?
GEORGE: Saddam Hussein tried to kill my daddy! Plus, he had weapons-related programs or something like that. We, uh, might have to ask Dick about that one.
LAURA: This is really good, honey. Only ten more to go!
GEORGE: What about Poland?
GEORGE: I dunno. Seemed to work in 2004!
(They both laugh.)
GEORGE (whining): Geez, Lumpy, can’t we take a break? This writeratin’ is tough!
LAURA: Come on, George, you can do it. You’re the smartest man in the world!
GEORGE: Heh-heh. So Harriet tells me! Anywho, let’s just pick a few more and call it a day!
LAURA: Okay, here we go. (begins writing) Katrina!
GEORGE: Katrina who?
LAURA (rolling her eyes): New Orleans, George!
GEORGE: Oh yeah! Heh-heh. Good one! Ummmm, I am devastated by the plight of the people of New Orleans?
LAURA: Fantastic stuff! Successfully deregulating the financial industry, cutting taxes in a time of war, and causing the worst meltdown since the Great Depression, while still blaming Bill Clinton?
GEORGE (preening): Good trick, huh? Grover and Karl were real proud of that one! Of course, my base is totally thrilled with Obama. I told them they should finance his campaign. He’s turning out to be a real asset to the Party!
LAURA: Yeah, by the time we’re through with him, the whole thing will be his fault and we Republicans will be back on top again!
GEORGE: That’s my plan!
LAURA: And it’s gonna work, too! (Standing up, laying the pad and pen down on the chair, and going over to GEORGE) I’ll tell you what, honey. We’ve done enough work for today. How’s about I mix you one of my special drinks and we go play mini-golf with Dick and Lynne at the private course?
GEORGE: Sounds great, Lumpy, as long as Dick leaves his shotgun at home! But don’t forget, we’re buying Paulie Paulson dinner tonight. Gotta thank him for making us all so rich!
LAURA: Oh yes, I forgot. What do you think – should I wear the coral or the cobalt?
GEORGE: Wear the orange. We’re havin’ barbecue – hides the stains better!
Cross-posted at Partizane