Ahhhhh, Bushie Bushie Bushie. We are so, SO happy to see you go! But you did leave something behind for your friend, now President Obama, didn’t you? No, it wasn’t a note in the Oval Office. It was all the tools he will need in order to institute a fascist state! What a lovely parting gift!
The inaugural speech was more of the hopey-changey campaign pablum we have learned to expect from Obama, of course. It’s hard to believe that Jon “The Gropinator” Favreau was kept on for that. But it wasn’t the first draft that we heard! Poor Jon’s original effort was a little too truth-y for the awesomest most historical-est O-ment ever! I’ve managed to get my PUMA paws on it, and it went a little something like this:
“Hello America! We are about to enter into a new era of politics, and I just want to thank George W. for paving the way.
Yes, you heard me right. President Bush is the reason I’m standing here today, about to be inaugurated as the 44th President of the United States. After all, if he hadn’t been the Worst President Ever, there is no WAY you would have picked me. I have no experience, no clue what to do about the economy, I’m setting my sights on privatizing Social Security and Medicare, and I’m already foregoing almost all of my campaign promises or pushing them off onto Congress. Let’s face it, I’m good for nothing but campaigning for my next term.
Oh, and speaking of that, I’m really excited about this idea of repealing the 22nd Amendment. Did you hear about that? I’m going to need at least three or four terms, like FDR, to fix this mess George W. got us into. You know what else I’m going to need? A lot of money and influence over my OWN Party. After all, nothing is more important than pressuring Democrats to do exactly as I say. Just ask Hillary’s delegates from the primary! They actually thought their votes and voices counted. If you think I need to gather support from Republicans, don’t bother – I’ve already got it! Who do you think bankrolled me when I first started my campaign? Oh, and that civilian security force I was talking about? It’s going to be a reality – 20,000 troops by 2011. Those warrantless wiretapping powers and executive orders will sure come in handy when I’m arresting dissenters and throwing them into Gitmo, which I may or may not be closing at some point on an ever-vanishing event horizon.
My fellow Barackians, I hope you don’t expect much from me. I’ve already told you that I am Lincoln, JFK and Ronald Reagan all rolled into one. What else do you need? Well, okay, my Secretary of State might actually get SOMETHING good done, but it will most likely only be by accident, as I will be undermining her every chance I get. Oh, sure, it will make me look bad, but I’m just petty that way. Get used to it!
Oh, and speaking of getting used to it, you’re going have a long time to do that. Because this whole “new kind of politics” I’ve been talking about is more like a very old kind of politics – the kind that Stalin practiced and Orwell warned you about. So relax and let me do all the thinking. I am The One you’ve been waiting for, remember?
So long, and thanks for all the fascism!
I don’t know why they didn’t go with that one. It would have inspired me! But if you’re feeling periodically down tonight, tune into Blog Talk Radio tonight for New Hampster and Sheri Tag’s PUMA Bawl!
I’ll be there too, to keep them company. Laughter is the best medicine, and we’re going to need a lot!