So Long, and Thanks for All the Fascism

Obama and Bush, Perfect Together!

Heh Heh. Ah Built Up Lots A Power For Ya, Obie. Have Fun Now!

Ahhhhh, Bushie Bushie Bushie. We are so, SO happy to see you go! But you did leave something behind for your friend, now President Obama, didn’t you? No, it wasn’t a note in the Oval Office. It was all the tools he will need in order to institute a fascist state! What a lovely parting gift!

The inaugural speech was more of the hopey-changey campaign pablum we have learned to expect from Obama, of course. It’s hard to believe that Jon “The Gropinator” Favreau was kept on for that. But it wasn’t the first draft that we heard! Poor Jon’s original effort was a little too truth-y for the awesomest most historical-est O-ment ever! I’ve managed to get my PUMA paws on it, and it went a little something like this:

“Hello America! We are about to enter into a new era of politics, and I just want to thank George W. for paving the way.

Yes, you heard me right. President Bush is the reason I’m standing here today, about to be inaugurated as the 44th President of the United States. After all, if he hadn’t been the Worst President Ever, there is no WAY you would have picked me. I have no experience, no clue what to do about the economy, I’m setting my sights on privatizing Social Security and Medicare, and I’m already foregoing almost all of my campaign promises or pushing them off onto Congress. Let’s face it, I’m good for nothing but campaigning for my next term.

Oh, and speaking of that, I’m really excited about this idea of repealing the 22nd Amendment. Did you hear about that? I’m going to need at least three or four terms, like FDR, to fix this mess George W. got us into. You know what else I’m going to need? A lot of money and influence over my OWN Party. After all, nothing is more important than pressuring Democrats to do exactly as I say. Just ask Hillary’s delegates from the primary! They actually thought their votes and voices counted. If you think I need to gather support from Republicans, don’t bother – I’ve already got it! Who do you think bankrolled me when I first started my campaign? Oh, and that civilian security force I was talking about? It’s going to be a reality – 20,000 troops by 2011. Those warrantless wiretapping powers and executive orders will sure come in handy when I’m arresting dissenters and throwing them into Gitmo, which I may or may not be closing at some point on an ever-vanishing event horizon.

My fellow Barackians, I hope you don’t expect much from me. I’ve already told you that I am Lincoln, JFK and Ronald Reagan all rolled into one. What else do you need? Well, okay, my Secretary of State might actually get SOMETHING good done, but it will most likely only be by accident, as I will be undermining her every chance I get. Oh, sure, it will make me look bad, but I’m just petty that way. Get used to it!

Oh, and speaking of getting used to it, you’re going have a long time to do that. Because this whole “new kind of politics” I’ve been talking about is more like a very old kind of politics – the kind that Stalin practiced and Orwell warned you about. So relax and let me do all the thinking. I am The One you’ve been waiting for, remember?

So long, and thanks for all the fascism!

I don’t know why they didn’t go with that one. It would have inspired me! But if you’re feeling periodically down tonight, tune into Blog Talk Radio tonight for New Hampster and Sheri Tag’s PUMA Bawl!

I’ll be there too, to keep them company. Laughter is the best medicine, and we’re going to need a lot!

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4 responses to “So Long, and Thanks for All the Fascism

  1. That was marvelous! I needed that smile. 🙂

  2. Laughter is the best medicine. Thanks.

    On a side note,

    You’ve been tagged:

    http://www.thatsmeontheleft.blogspot.com/2009/01/ive-been-tagged.html

  3. I find myself troubled by the PUMA response to the Obama presidency. In a sense, you’re right. If Alice Cooper were the new democratic president, I would still be thrilled that the republican/neo-conservative death grip on power in Washington was broken at last. My greatest fear was an incoming republican administration that would cement in place forever the sadistic, (and yes, in friendship, I do owe you the 1958 Encyclopedia Brittanica definition of fascism-keep forgetting to copy it down when I’m at Mom and Dad’s house,) tyrannical and anti-American policies of the most viciously evil administration in the short, sweet life of our heaven-rescued land. But even if Ted Nugent was the new president, I would wait until he screwed something up before I began my attacks.

    Obama has moved to ban torture and close the prison at Guantanamo. Why would our beloved Hillary be on board if he was the “fascist” continuation of George W. Bush that you suggest he will be. He has signalled a sharp break from the highly immoral and self-serving policies of Bush. He has decried the consolidation of wealth into the hands of the few at the expense of overall prosperity. Morally, he is cleaner than a frog’s ass. So what’s not to love?

    I’m sorry. I just don’t get it. You’re telling me that he’s just Bush in a new color and he has fooled 80% of the American public. I just don’t see how that could be true. Your thoughts and mine diverged quite distinctly last weekend. By way of contrast, I share my own views, a piece I entitled “Martin Luther King Jr. Peace Blogging.”

    Peace, love and joy to all. Follow your paths to the greatest successes you never even dreamed of.

  4. FJ – You are a lovely person and I wish you all the best. But I have to agree that you really don’t get it.

    For example, is this paragraph a joke?

    Obama has moved to ban torture and close the prison at Guantanamo.

    Wake me when it actually happens. There are holes bigger than a Mack truck in that so-called “Ban” of torture. And what will he do with the prisoners? The problem with Gitmo is not Gitmo – it’s the MCA. He should reinstate habeas corpus NOW and tell the prosecutors they have 30 days to show their evidence or the prisoners will be released back to their home countries. Is he doing that? Of course not. He’s “suspending the trials.” Great – another three months of hell for the inmates.

    Why would our beloved Hillary be on board if he was the “fascist” continuation of George W. Bush that you suggest he will be.

    He is fascist in domestic policy, which she is now completely divorced from. However, they have always been in fairly close agreement on foreign policy. Should he truly live up to his Big Brother potential, I have no doubt she will be outta there quicker than you can blink.

    He has signalled a sharp break from the highly immoral and self-serving policies of Bush. He has decried the consolidation of wealth into the hands of the few at the expense of overall prosperity. Morally, he is cleaner than a frog’s ass. So what’s not to love?

    This is the funniest part! I swear to God! I’ll tell you what. If he ever, EVER does anything that even remotely resembles an FDR Democrat’s policies, I will praise him to the high heavens. But he was picked by the banks, who ponied up hundreds of millions of dollars for his campaign, and who paid for the obscene, self-congratulatory, Marie Antoinette-ish coronation of The One. Do you REALLY think he is going to do anything to jeopardize the massive flow of money into his coffers? He has to run for re-election in 2012, after all. Read Krugman as to his ideas on saving the economy – Obama is not anywhere close to where he needs to be. As for the idea that Obama is “moral?” I’m just shaking my head in disbelief. Is it moral to steal an election? Is it moral to buy a house with a criminal? To hang around with terrorists – and yes, Ayers was recently banned from Canada due to his involvement in the Weather Underground, so deal with it? Is it really, REALLY your contention that Obama was the only virgin in the Chicago whorehouse?How many of his close friends and associates are going to have to be indicted before you realize it’s not a coincidence?

    Oh well. I appreciate that you stuck it out this long with me. Peace and blessings to you.