H/T to my muse, Pat Johnson at The Confluence, for the inspiration for this one!
THE SCENE: A fake Oval Office in a television studio. BARACK OBAMA is on the set of his half-hour infomercial, which will shortly be broadcast on all the major networks (except ABC). He is in the midst of completing the final take.
OBAMA (to the crew): Are we ready?
DIRECTOR: Yes, Barack. We finally got the teleprompter back up. That new techie over there took care of it.
(A brown-haired figure in a denim jumpsuit, wearing a baseball cap, glasses and sporting a large mustache, waves from across the room.)
OBAMA (ignoring the techie, relieved): Thank God! Okay, let’s roll.
DIRECTOR: Five – four – three – two – one. Action!
OBAMA (calm and Presidential): My faithful Obamabots, I am sending you this personal message, because no one but you will be watching. You have done very well for me up until now. I especially appreciate all the violence and hatred you have spewed at people who do not want to “come to” me. Keep it up! But I have to ask that you please stop hanging Sarah Palin in effigy, since some folks are starting to do the same to me, those racist bastards!
DIRECTOR: Ummmm, Barack…
OBAMA (whispering): Shhhh, Fred, I’m nailing it! (clears throat) As for all those things my running mate, Joe Biden, said about how the international community will test me, they’re absolutely true. But don’t worry, when that red phone rings at three a.m., I’ll be forwarding the call to my team of 300 foreign policy advisors, who will tell me exactly what to do. So be prepared for another attack, kids – and oh by the way, I’ll have to draft you and your friends and family. No exceptions for girls, either. Sorry, sweeties – everyone must serve in Barack’s Army!
DIRECTOR (to the cameraman): Can’t you stop him? He’s totally off script!
CAMERAMAN (with horrified fascination): It’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. He doesn’t even realize what he’s saying!
DIRECTOR (shouting): Barack! Barack! CUT!!!
OBAMA (oblivious and delirious with the relief of speaking the truth): Yes indeed, I hope you are all ready to sacrifice for Me. I told you I’d cut your taxes, but I keep adjusting that figure up and down and hoping you won’t notice! The fact is, I have no idea what to do about the economy. Like Bill Clinton said, I had to ask lots of people – including him and his wife – before I made a decision about the bailout package. Nothing like waiting till the last minute to demonstrate leadership! Aren’t you glad you picked young, handsome, intellectual, new-style me over that old witch Hillary, with her useless decades of experience and 30-point plans for every eventuality?
DIRECTOR (to CAMERAMAN): I changed my mind. This is ratings gold! Whatever happens, DON’T STOP ROLLING!
CAMERAMAN (grinning): You got it, chief!
OBAMA: In conclusion, my devoted fans, please do not worry about all my flip-flops on issues that matter to you, like taking public financing, warrantless wiretapping, a full withdrawal from Iraq, separation of church and state, respect for womens’ issues, or any of that crap. Just because I praise Reagan more than Clinton and have decided to put Republicans in my Cabinet, does not mean I am not a real progressive. I promise you that I will never throw you under the bus, like I did Reverend Wright, Bill Ayers, Tony Rezko, my grandmother, ACORN, Wesley Clark or Max Cleland! Thank you, and see you at the polls on November 4th!
(OBAMA flashes his million-dollar smile and holds it for the camera.)
DIRECTOR: Annnnnd….that’s a wrap!
OBAMA (still smiling): Hey, how’d I do, guys?
(The DIRECTOR and the CAMERAMAN exchange glances.)
DIRECTOR: Great, great. Can’t wait to see the ratings. Something tells me it’s going to be the biggest hit of the campaign!
OBAMA (coming over to the DIRECTOR and shaking his hand): Fred, thanks so much for all your help. And thanks to all the rest of you too. Whew, that was hard work. I’m going back to the hotel for some waffles!
(OBAMA exits stage left. The TECHIE comes forward from the back of the studio. She takes off her baseball cap, wig, glasses and mustache, then unzips her jumpsuit and reveals that she is a stunning woman of indeterminate ethnicity, resplendent in a lovely orange pantsuit.)
DIRECTOR (shocked): What’s going on here? You’re not Mark. Who are you?
WOMAN (smiling): You can call me…PUMA.
CAMERAMAN (excited): Oh my God! You’re real! I’ve heard rumors about you, but I keep being told you’re a mythical creature.
WOMAN (gesturing towards herself): As you can see, we are very real – and very powerful.
DIRECTOR: Miss PUMA –
WOMAN (sharply): Ms.
DIRECTOR (sheepishly): Sorry. Uh, Ms. PUMA, how did you do that?
WOMAN: It was simple. Mark is also a PUMA, and he let me know that he was running the Teleprompter for Barack’s speech. We switched places after lunch. When the machine “broke,” I just loaded a slightly different file into the teleprompter. Contrary to popular belief, I DO know my way around a computer.
CAMERAMAN: But how did you know he’d just read whatever you wrote without thinking about it?
WOMAN (wickedly): Are you kidding? When does Senator Obama ever question what he reads on a teleprompter?
(ALL THREE LAUGH.)
DIRECTOR: I can’t believe you pulled that off, Ms. PUMA. I – I – I’m speechless. You’ve just given me the story of the century!
WOMAN (smiling): You’re welcome. But I didn’t do it for you – I did it for the American people. I thought they deserved to hear the truth about Barack Obama, once and for all.
DIRECTOR (smiling): Well, hear it they will – in high-definition, on every channel!
WOMAN (proudly): Mission acomplished!
(ALL high-five each other.)
Happy Halloween, everyone!