Author’s Note: This play was inspired by the fact that Obama is determined to pursue the unattainable evangelical vote, while alienating so many other ready, willing and able Democratic base groups.
THE SCENE: Outside of a movie theater in Anytown, USA. The marquee reads: “Now Playing: The 2008 Presidential Election.” An attractive, well-dressed woman, EV (meaning “Evangelical Voter” and pronounced “Eve”), is standing outside, waiting for her date, JOHN MCCAIN.
As she looks at her watch, BARACK OBAMA walks by EV, then stops. A “coup de foudre” has occurred. He struts up to her confidently.
OBAMA: Excuse me, miss? (EV turns to OBAMA.) Hi, I’m Barack Obama. I’m a Democratic Senator from Illinois, and you are just about the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
EV (perplexed): Um, hi? Gosh, I’m not used to talking to Democrats. (noticing the way OBAMA is looking at her) In case you’re wondering, I’m not alone. I have a date with John McCain, but he’s a little late.
OBAMA (not listening): Wow. You are just stunning, sweetie. What’s your name?
EV (a little uncomfortably): My full name is Evangelical Voter, but everyone calls me EV for short.
OBAMA: EV, huh? Listen, I’m not gonna play games here. I really, really want you to go to the Presidential Election with me. What can I do to make that happen? You want a kiss?
EV: A kiss? Ewwww. I don’t even know you!
OBAMA (confidently): Well, then, why don’t we get to know each other? My full name is Barack Hussein Obama, and –
EV (interrupting): Oh yeah, I heard about you. (suspiciously) Aren’t you a Muslim? If you haven’t accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior –
EV (a tiny bit interested): Well, that’s good. But what else would you do to prove worthy of being my date for this election? I’ve been dating the Republicans for a long time now, and it would take a lot of convincing to make me change my mind!
OBAMA: Hey, you know what? I’ve done a lot already! Look at the people I surround myself with! There’s Donnie McClurkin, Leah Daughtry, Douglas Kmiec – true believers all! And I’m starting a “Faith, Family and Values” tour to show how much I value you and your friends! I even had this great “Joshua Generation” idea in mind to help recruit young evangelicals into Obama for America, but it turned out there were, um, copyright issues.
EV (snickering): That’s right. You’ve had problems with that kind of thing in the past, haven’t you?
OBAMA (hurt): Hey, that was just a misunderstanding. Anyway, isn’t my outreach to you and your people impressive?
EV (unimpressed): Ehhhh, I don’t think so, Barack. What about all those OTHER friends you have? Reverend Wright? Reverend Pfleger? Reverend Meeks? Those guys aren’t exactly my kind of Christians. And what about THEIR friends? Louis Farrakhan? Oh, please. No thanks, I’m going to stick with John.
OBAMA (becoming desperate): But EV, you know he’s just using you. He’s not really pro-life at all – he’s just saying that to get you to like him! Please, baby, give me one more chance!
(JOHN MCCAIN arrives confidently, with SARAH PALIN on his arm.)
MCCAIN: Hello, my friend. I apologize for being a little late, but (smiling and gesturing to PALIN) I had to pick up a friend.
EV (excited): Oh, hi John! Ooooh, is this your running mate? A WOMAN?
OBAMA (despondently): Oh, shit.
PALIN: Hi, EV. I’m Sarah Palin, the popular, young and attractive Governor of Alaska, and I’m a member of Feminists For Life! (pulls out a family picture) See all my adorable children and my hawt husband, who takes care of the house when I’m out taking care of the state!
EV (barely able to contain herself): Oh MY LORD! A real, bona fide conservative Christian like me! And a WOMAN to boot. Thank you, Jesus! (EV, MCCAIN and PALIN walk joyfully into the theatre.)
OBAMA (sadly): I guess it’s over. Oh, EV, why, why hast thou deserted me? (perking up) Hey, maybe it’s not too late. Maybe if I give her a list of all the Republicans and pro-lifers who have endorsed me! EV! EV!
(OBAMA runs into the theatre after EV and the Republicans.)
Cross-posted at The Confluence