The DemFather: A Play In One Powerful Act.

Not a Pretty Sight
Not a Pretty Sight

THE SCENE: A small Italian restaurant in the Village. BARACK OBAMA and BILL CLINTON have just finished their lunch and are smoking cigars and drinking espresso. It is September 11, 2008, and their first one-to-one contact since the primaries ended. Phoniness is oozing from every pore of both politicians. The theme from “The Godfather” is heard playing in the background.

BILL: Well, how’d you like the food?

OBAMA (puffing on his cigar): Not bad, Bill, not bad. Chicago has great pizza, but the Italian food is much better in New York. Maybe Michelle and I will get a place here once I’m President, just like you and Hillary did!

BILL (smoothly): Why sure, Barack, that would be great! I’m sure Michelle and the kids would love New York. (some of Bill’s insincerity drops away) And maybe the people of New York can finally get that damn memorial built. The lights are fine, but every time I see them I just think of how that Saudi Arabian bastard got away with it, and I get so mad…

OBAMA (still totally insincere): Yeah, Bill, uh, me too. Anywho, I was hoping we could get down to business.

BILL (the mask back in place): Excellent idea, Barack! I’ve got some great ideas on how we can help each other. Here’s what I think –

OBAMA (interrupting): Really, Bill? Cause I was thinking you could campaign for me in Ohio, Pennsylvania and –

BILL (the mask dropping away completely): Shut up, Barack. I’m talking now, and I’m the goddamn President of the United States. Show a little goddamn respect, you little pissant!

BARACK (pulling up his chin and looking down his nose): Fine. I’ll take that from you – for now. Go ahead, (with sarcastic emphasis) Mister President.


BILL (leaning back in his chair): Look here, SENATOR. The only reason you’re here is because you’re in big, big trouble. The way things are shaking out, McCain is gonna be the next President. Yup, you’re getting your skinny ass handed to you by a 72-year-old man who’s stuck with the most hated brand since Edsel. And do you know why?

BARACK (snottily): Am I permitted to respond?

BILL (smiling nastily): Go ahead. I’d like to see if you can get one goddamned thing right, or if you are really as stupid as I think you are.

BARACK (sneering): I know why. Because I out-thought, out-played and out-organized your dumb bitch of a wife, and her bitter, menopausal, racist supporters can’t deal with it. And now, they’re voting for Sarah Palin out of revenge, just because she has a vagina!

BILL (laughing): HAHAHAHAHA! Whoo-ee, that was hilarious. Thanks for the entertainment! You are, in fact, dumber than a bag full of rocks, Barack. How you ever got this far is beyond me. 

Truth is, you went against the Family. You think you can be head of the Democratic Family? That means you gotta have respect for the rules. You gotta keep your promises on the issues they care about. You gotta adhere to the traditions. And you gotta treat every member of the Family, like family. You can’t be calling them all kinds of nasty names, and expecting them to vote for you anyway. 

OBAMA: But-but-but – they’re just women, Bill. I thought if I threatened them with Roe v. Wade, they’d come around. And why were they paying so much damn attention?

BILL (sighing): Because Hillary was a historic candidate, you idiot. There has never been a female candidate for President who has had even the tiniest chance of winning. Didn’t you think they’d care about that? Didn’t you think they’d watch every move you’d make? After all, your black supporters did the same for you. How could you not get that?

OBAMA (bursting out, standing up and pacing): DAMMIT! I deserve this Presidency. Why can’t they just see that? Why do I have to go around kow-towing to everyone? Why can’t they just elect me already? Bill, I’m so bored by all of this. I just want to sit in the Oval Office and be President!

BILL (shaking his head): Barack, you are such a fool. All your life, you’ve had everything handed to you because you’re so damn charming. But this time, the American people are sick and tired of bad government. They’ve had eight years of Bush, and they’re not about to turn the reins over to someone they don’t even know without a lot of careful examination. And if you think Hillary was hard on you, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.

(standing up, putting a semi-fatherly hand on OBAMA’s shoulder) Maybe you should take off those shoulderpads and call the game. I just don’t think you can handle the pressure.

BARACK (furiously throwing BILL’s hand off): Oh, you’d just love that, wouldn’t you? Well, for now, I AM the head of the Family. And I’m smart, Bill. I’m smart! I got YOU out of the way with those charges of racism, didn’t I? And I beat Hillary in the primaries, didn’t I – stole the nomination right out from under her nose! I got Hillary to give that speech at the Convention, didn’t I? And I got this meeting with you, didn’t I? So far, everything is going my way. And you know what? It’s gonna KEEP going my way until I’m inaugurated in January of 2009. So why don’t YOU show some GODDAMNED RESPECT!

(OBAMA is breathing hard. BILL is looking at OBAMA with murder in his eyes. Then, slowly, BILL nods.)

BILL (softly, building to a crescendo): You’re right, Barack. You are the head of the Family – for now. So here’s what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna campaign for you in Florida, starting at the end of this month. You’re never going to win that state anyway, so it’s no skin off my nose. And every time I’m up in front of the public saying how they should vote for you, I’m going to show them what a REAL President looks like. And Hillary will do the same in the battleground states she’ll need to win in 2012. We’ll look like we’re supporting you, but in fact, we’ll be laying the groundwork for Hillary’s next run. (at the apex of fury) So enjoy it while you can, you fucking punk, because you are NEVER, EVER going to be President!

(Silence, while both calm down.)

OBAMA (speaking first): Fine. So we have a deal, then? We can pretend that everything’s okay and we’re all unified and shit, at least until I win in November? After that, Bill, you and Hillary are DONE. I mean GONE, Chicago style.

BILL: Yes, Barack, we have a deal. But after November, YOU are going to be the one that’s gone, Chicago style. And we’re gonna get Dean, Pelosi, Brazile and Reid outta there too.

OBAMA: May the best man win.

BILL: I’ll shake on that.

(The mortal enemies shake hands, and OBAMA walks out.)

(A waiter brings BILL the check.)

BILL: Barack didn’t even pay for it? Well, that’s okay. (addressing the waiter) He’ll pay in November, right, Mario?

MARIO: Never go against the Family, Mr. President.  (The two men share a grim smile.)

(LIGHTS OUT)

Cross-posted at The Confluence and Partizane

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12 responses to “The DemFather: A Play In One Powerful Act.

  1. Bravo!!! Bravo!!!! [[[[ handing madamab more obligatory roses — red, long-stemmed beauties with wisps of baby’s breath and fern]]]]]

  2. “Hey, whaddya gonna do, nice college boy, eh? Didn’t want to get mixed up in the Family business, huh? [Kisses Barack’s head.] You’re taking this very personal.”

  3. What Stateofdisbelief said…..OMG, your best yet in my estimation….

    Let me just say, if obama fell down a well and disappeared, I would not cry.

  4. Thanks, SOD!

    Palomino – LOL!

    If only Barack had stayed out of our Family. I’d like to cancel his adoption. 🙂

  5. absolutely fabulous!!!!! I love your plays….they should all be produced on broadway!!!

  6. garychapelhill

    I will be comforted by believing that it really DID happen like that 🙂 thanks madamab!!!

  7. My pleasure, Gary! Honestly, I am sure it went a lot more like that than the way the press reported it. I can’t see those two keeping their true feelings inside for very long.

    😉

  8. Thanks! I passed a link on to my daughter- she is taking a politics and theatre class this semester- I wonder what the professor is gonna think of this? She will of course give proper credit and citation! (she doesn’t know she’s a PUMA- she jumped the Dem ship when they trashed Hillary- at this point she is sickened by politics- and all the bashing and trashing. She voted in her first primary this year- for Hillary of course- and has absolutely no intention of voting for the sexist pig the DNC elevated. Hoorah!)

    Best to you!

  9. Pingback: Today’s Must Reads « Heroes for Hillary

  10. That was beautiful! And, it’s heartening to speculate you’re probably closer to the real scenario than many suspect. Keep them coming!

    And, I’m passing them along, with proper attribution of course!

  11. @ gregoire goiter:

    You guys are amazing. In 2008, because Hillary Clinton wasn’t pure enough for you, you supported a weak candidate who peaked in February, thus electing John McCain. Quite a few of you are also the same people who voted for Nader in 2000 because there wasn’t “a dime’s bit of difference” between Gore and Bush. And we know how well that worked out.

    So, really, who’s playing with the apocalypse?

    YOU can grow the fuck up.

  12. Thanks, Palomino! I don’t allow insulting comments to remain once I see them, but that was an excellent rebuttal.

    You know what’s sad? I used to hang out with Dave at Eschaton.

    Sigh.