The Hail Mary: A Play In One Ironic Act

(H/t, LadyBoomerNYC, who very kindly gave me the inspiration for this one.)

HA Ha!

HA Ha!

THE SCENE: BILL and HILLARY CLINTON’S bedroom at 3:00 a.m. It’s warm, welcoming and done in classic American Country style. Photos of friends and family cover every surface, and their various awards and commendations hang on the walls. BILL and HILLARY are asleep in bed. Both are wearing her black t-shirt with the white writing and pantsuit picture on it. Next to each CLINTON is a bedside table with a red phone on it. The phone is modern, with caller ID.

The red phone next to HILLARY’s side rings. Both CLINTONS sit up in bed immediately.

 

 

 

BILL: Yours, or mine?

HILLARY: Mine. (checks the caller ID) Oh, well well well. It’s DNC Headquarters in Chicago.

BILL (grinning devilishly): Heh. I’ve been waiting for this one. Put it on speaker, honey.

(HILLARY picks up the phone and hits the speaker button.)

HILLARY: Hello?

BARACK OBAMA (on the phone): Hey there, Hillary. Sorry to call you so late, but I’ve had a really hard time getting you on your cell lately.

HILLARY (rolling her eyes at Bill): Uh-huh. Gosh, sorry about that, Barack, but I’ve been busy trying to stop President Bush’s latest outrageous blow against contraception and choice. I figured since you didn’t pick me for Vice President, and I’ve already said my piece about Sarah Palin, our business together was concluded until after the election.

BARACK (uncomfortably): Well, um, uh, see, I think I, uh, still need your help.

HILLARY (leaning back into her pillow, starting to enjoy herself): Oh, really?

BARACK (even more uncomfortably): Yeah. Uh, see, it looks like Palin’s not the cream puff I thought she was. We went after her with everything we had for six days, and she just came out smelling like a rose. The conservative base loves her, and – and – she was MEAN to me, Hillary! (He is barely suppressing tears of frustration)

HILLARY (with malicious pleasure): All true, Barack. So, what do you want ME to do about it?

BARACK (suddenly angry): I want you to STOP HER! I want you to go out there and take that mooseburger eatin’, rifle-shootin’, baby-makin’ FEMALE DOWN!!!

(A slight pause. Then, HILLARY begins laughing. She laughs for a long time.)

HILLARY (finally calming down): Why in God’s name would I do that for you, Barack? What possible benefit would there be to me? Here’s an idea: Do it yourself. And stop calling me!

BARACK (to the others in the room): Guys, she said no. I told you she would! NOW what do I do?

PELOSI (who is there with BARACK): Don’t worry, Barack. Let ME talk to her.

BILL (chuckling): Oh, this is too good. They’re pulling out the big guns now!

PELOSI: Hillary, dear? It’s Nancy.

HILLARY: Yes, Nancy, what can I do for you?

PELOSI: Look, I understand why you would be reluctant to go after this woman. But we are prepared to offer you….compensation.

HILLARY: Oh, really? (She and BILL exchange knowing looks.)

PELOSI: Yes indeed. We see now what a horrible, horrible mistake we made picking Joe Biden instead of you for Vice President. We can remedy that any time you want, Hillary – even tomorrow, if you wish.

HILLARY: Ah. (enjoying their humiliation and prolonging it as long as possible) And Joe’s okay with this?

PELOSI (grimly): He will be, if he wants to keep being a Senator.

(HARRY REID joins the call.)

REID: Hillary, it’s Harry. I guarantee Joe’s on board.

HILLARY: Well, this is all very interesting. Let me think about it for a moment. (pauses a millisecond, looks at Bill, grinning) NO.

PELOSI: Hillary, what are you saying? You can’t desert your Party in its time of need!

HILLARY (happily): Bill, you want to explain it to them?

BILL: Absolutely. (BILL moves over to HILLARY’s side of the bed, so those on the phone can hear him more clearly) NO!!!

HILLARY (laughing): Ah, Bill, you kill me! No, seriously. Let’s lay it out for them. Here’s the problem, folks. You already made your choice. It sucked, if I may be so blunt. You should have allowed me to become the nominee and let Barack be VP. As Palin has so amply demonstrated, he is barely even qualified for that position.

BARACK: HEY!!! You guys aren’t going to let her get away with talking to me like that, are you?

PELOSI and REID: Shut up, Barack.

BILL: Yeah. And if Hillary wasn’t going to be the nominee, at LEAST she should have been Vice President. It would have been the smart thing to do, politically and emotionally. (starting to get angry and red in the face) But no, you just couldn’t do it, could you? You’re a bunch of self-serving, short-sighted idiots! Didn’t you realize how you were breaking the Party in two? Don’t you care at all about the future of our country?

(A stunned silence from the phone, while HILLARY looks at BILL with pride in her eyes.)

PELOSI (recovering, smoothly): Bill, you’re absolutely right. That’s what we’re trying to fix now. We get it, we really do. What do you say? Don’t you want to be back in the White House, as the husband of the first female Vice President?

HILLARY (patiently): Nancy, don’t you get it? IT’S TOO LATE. You’ve made your decision. If you change your mind now, it will just make Barack look even weaker and less decisive than he already does.

As for Sarah Palin, I respect her. I think she’s a strong, powerful woman. I don’t agree with her on the issues, of course, but I’m not going to stoop to sexist bullshit to try to stop her.

You’re on your own, kids. Lose this number and don’t call me till after McCain wins the election. By the way, I’m voting for him – and so is Bill. Buh-bye, now! (presses speaker button to hang up)

BILL (grinning): That was even better than I thought it would be. Great job, honey!

HILLARY (sighing and smiling): It was, wasn’t it? (looking devilishly at BILL) Now, how shall we celebrate this grand occasion?

(BILL grins even bigger and turns out the light.)

Cross-posted at The Confluence

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20 responses to “The Hail Mary: A Play In One Ironic Act

  1. “Shut Up Barack”….rotflmao

    Hillarious/Spot-on/Brilliant/Witty

    …and scary as it shows how the dem party is circling the drain….

    I think the only recourse left is for obama to fake a life-threatening illness so they have a reason to put Hillary on the top of the ticket…

  2. oh shit.
    I think I wet myself

  3. madamab, that was Hill-arious! (Ok, that was lame.) But seriously, I can picture that whole exchange happening in real-time in my mind. I can even hear the whole soundtrack in the background. Anyway, I don’t see you on TL anymore?!? Well, it certainly isn’t the TL I once knew. *rimshot* Good to see two familiar friends posting comments too. 🙂

  4. nice to see you too jim.
    are you interested in escaping TL before she completely wigs out and locks you all in a closet or something?

    email me here:

    red_vlx@hotmail.com

    I might have something of interest to you.

    (hope Madam doesnt mind the OT I am afraid to do this at TL)

  5. I LOVED THIS!!!! IF ONLY IT WOULD REALLY HAPPEN!!!

  6. Madamab: another wonderful play. Thanks for rhe great laughs.

  7. * clap * clap * clap * clap * clap * clap * clap *

    Brava! Another winner!

    I think every single one of us should forward this to Clinton’s Senate offices. Even if she has a staffer keeping an eye on the blogs, we should make sure she doesn’t miss it.

  8. Oh, the sweet smell of regret. Hillary should disappear until November 5th, when she reinherits the party.

  9. Both are wearing her black t-shirt with the white writing and pantsuit picture on it.

    I love this play! And it’s not just because I’m sitting here reading it wearing the same t-shirt myself!

  10. Madamab, Thanks for the grin. I feel so crestfallen over the machinations perpetrated by the DNC et al.

    I’m so tired of people telling me to “Get over it already!!” The people who say that don’t realize that my problems not just over Hillary; it’s a sense of being betrayed by the party. And, they were even out front about it. Makes me wonder what despicable plans are conjured up in private.

    I do love to read your stories. Keep it up. And it’s GREAT to see some of the former TLers herel It’s like the blog has a new identity where I don’t fit anymore.

    I know that I sound morose, but I’ll feel better tomorrow. Thanks for the laughs, and hello to all of the friendly voices.

    Peace,
    Deborahnc

  11. Brilliant!!!!! Absolutely brilliant! I think I wet myself too and can’t wait to send a copy to my mom!

    Even though she probably could save Barack, she shouldn’t do it. Seriously, I’ve never seen so much prejudice against women before. I thought it was just Soros and Obama’s people against Hillary but I was wrong.

    Listening to the attacks on Palin I realize how strong the prejudice is against women in politics!?! Are they afraid we might fix the broken system?
    What good is all the work women have done over the years if we lose when it finally counts? What good is it to win all the battles if you lose the war? Hillary got the votes of the people, but Soros bought off the delegates votes and Obama got the nomination? What the hell?

    What happened to govt Of the people, By the People, For the People?

    If experience was an issue for the dem’s they would have put Hillary at the top of the ticket where she belongs. Palin has the dem’s running scared which is exactly where they should be.

    My jaw drops with disbelief every time I hear a new attack on Palin, because they attack her as a woman not a politician.

    Her record will speak for itself. She makes no bones about what her beliefs are (kind of refreshing), but in practice it looks like she tries to set a good example and then be fair and follow what her people want. After all, when Alaska passed the law outlawing same sex marriage she made sure that same sex partner benefits weren’t. She’s not that bad.

    The fact that she might be able to take down Obama and Soros I think is funny as hell! Let her beat BO and Hillary can take her on in 2012 !!! That is the only way the dems will put Hillary on the ticket as Pres which is where she belongs.

    The dems have already denied Hillary her proper spot. They are not going to put her there unless forced to do so.
    We see only too clearly what the dems and media think about a woman on the ticket.

    What century are we living in? When Hillary takes on Palin it should be when she is on the ticket and not to help the cry baby!

  12. Thanks. You made a good karmic moment even sweeter.

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  14. I changed my photo on my entry to the subject after reading (and linking) this

  15. Hee hee hee, EOF! That is awesome!

  16. Sequel!! Sequel!!

  17. MadamaB, I have NEVER considered myself a ‘fan’ of Hillary’s, but when BO chose Joe Biden of hairplugs fame, I believed he’d done Hillary an overwhelming disservice; I LIKE Sarah Palin, and when McCain announced her as HIS choice for VP, I envisioned BO just going “awwww, sh#t!”, with Michelle O in the background railing that she had told him to choose Hillary …………………………… what’s sad is that the Democratic & Republican bases haven’t left their parties – their parties have left THEM.

    GREAT writing, BTW!!

    Semper Fi’
    DM

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  19. LOL! Awesome! Nailed it!

    Democrat for McCain/Palin 2008