(H/t, LadyBoomerNYC, who very kindly gave me the inspiration for this one.)
THE SCENE: BILL and HILLARY CLINTON’S bedroom at 3:00 a.m. It’s warm, welcoming and done in classic American Country style. Photos of friends and family cover every surface, and their various awards and commendations hang on the walls. BILL and HILLARY are asleep in bed. Both are wearing her black t-shirt with the white writing and pantsuit picture on it. Next to each CLINTON is a bedside table with a red phone on it. The phone is modern, with caller ID.
The red phone next to HILLARY’s side rings. Both CLINTONS sit up in bed immediately.
BILL: Yours, or mine?
HILLARY: Mine. (checks the caller ID) Oh, well well well. It’s DNC Headquarters in Chicago.
BILL (grinning devilishly): Heh. I’ve been waiting for this one. Put it on speaker, honey.
(HILLARY picks up the phone and hits the speaker button.)
BARACK OBAMA (on the phone): Hey there, Hillary. Sorry to call you so late, but I’ve had a really hard time getting you on your cell lately.
HILLARY (rolling her eyes at Bill): Uh-huh. Gosh, sorry about that, Barack, but I’ve been busy trying to stop President Bush’s latest outrageous blow against contraception and choice. I figured since you didn’t pick me for Vice President, and I’ve already said my piece about Sarah Palin, our business together was concluded until after the election.
BARACK (uncomfortably): Well, um, uh, see, I think I, uh, still need your help.
HILLARY (leaning back into her pillow, starting to enjoy herself): Oh, really?
BARACK (even more uncomfortably): Yeah. Uh, see, it looks like Palin’s not the cream puff I thought she was. We went after her with everything we had for six days, and she just came out smelling like a rose. The conservative base loves her, and – and – she was MEAN to me, Hillary! (He is barely suppressing tears of frustration)
HILLARY (with malicious pleasure): All true, Barack. So, what do you want ME to do about it?
BARACK (suddenly angry): I want you to STOP HER! I want you to go out there and take that mooseburger eatin’, rifle-shootin’, baby-makin’ FEMALE DOWN!!!
(A slight pause. Then, HILLARY begins laughing. She laughs for a long time.)
HILLARY (finally calming down): Why in God’s name would I do that for you, Barack? What possible benefit would there be to me? Here’s an idea: Do it yourself. And stop calling me!
BARACK (to the others in the room): Guys, she said no. I told you she would! NOW what do I do?
PELOSI (who is there with BARACK): Don’t worry, Barack. Let ME talk to her.
BILL (chuckling): Oh, this is too good. They’re pulling out the big guns now!
PELOSI: Hillary, dear? It’s Nancy.
HILLARY: Yes, Nancy, what can I do for you?
PELOSI: Look, I understand why you would be reluctant to go after this woman. But we are prepared to offer you….compensation.
HILLARY: Oh, really? (She and BILL exchange knowing looks.)
PELOSI: Yes indeed. We see now what a horrible, horrible mistake we made picking Joe Biden instead of you for Vice President. We can remedy that any time you want, Hillary – even tomorrow, if you wish.
HILLARY: Ah. (enjoying their humiliation and prolonging it as long as possible) And Joe’s okay with this?
PELOSI (grimly): He will be, if he wants to keep being a Senator.
(HARRY REID joins the call.)
REID: Hillary, it’s Harry. I guarantee Joe’s on board.
HILLARY: Well, this is all very interesting. Let me think about it for a moment. (pauses a millisecond, looks at Bill, grinning) NO.
PELOSI: Hillary, what are you saying? You can’t desert your Party in its time of need!
HILLARY (happily): Bill, you want to explain it to them?
BILL: Absolutely. (BILL moves over to HILLARY’s side of the bed, so those on the phone can hear him more clearly) NO!!!
HILLARY (laughing): Ah, Bill, you kill me! No, seriously. Let’s lay it out for them. Here’s the problem, folks. You already made your choice. It sucked, if I may be so blunt. You should have allowed me to become the nominee and let Barack be VP. As Palin has so amply demonstrated, he is barely even qualified for that position.
BARACK: HEY!!! You guys aren’t going to let her get away with talking to me like that, are you?
PELOSI and REID: Shut up, Barack.
BILL: Yeah. And if Hillary wasn’t going to be the nominee, at LEAST she should have been Vice President. It would have been the smart thing to do, politically and emotionally. (starting to get angry and red in the face) But no, you just couldn’t do it, could you? You’re a bunch of self-serving, short-sighted idiots! Didn’t you realize how you were breaking the Party in two? Don’t you care at all about the future of our country?
(A stunned silence from the phone, while HILLARY looks at BILL with pride in her eyes.)
PELOSI (recovering, smoothly): Bill, you’re absolutely right. That’s what we’re trying to fix now. We get it, we really do. What do you say? Don’t you want to be back in the White House, as the husband of the first female Vice President?
HILLARY (patiently): Nancy, don’t you get it? IT’S TOO LATE. You’ve made your decision. If you change your mind now, it will just make Barack look even weaker and less decisive than he already does.
As for Sarah Palin, I respect her. I think she’s a strong, powerful woman. I don’t agree with her on the issues, of course, but I’m not going to stoop to sexist bullshit to try to stop her.
You’re on your own, kids. Lose this number and don’t call me till after McCain wins the election. By the way, I’m voting for him – and so is Bill. Buh-bye, now! (presses speaker button to hang up)
BILL (grinning): That was even better than I thought it would be. Great job, honey!
HILLARY (sighing and smiling): It was, wasn’t it? (looking devilishly at BILL) Now, how shall we celebrate this grand occasion?
(BILL grins even bigger and turns out the light.)
Cross-posted at The Confluence