David Axelrod’s Secret Weapon: A Play in One Despicable Act.

You Think I Work fo YOU?

You Think I Work for YOU?

THE SCENE: DAVID AXELROD’s office. It is reminiscent of Yogurt’s cave in the movie “SpaceBalls.” (One word: Merchandising!) Everywhere are products relating to The One. Obama t-shirts, Vera Wang clothing, mugs, buttons, posters, bumper stickers and other paraphernalia are carefully lit and displayed throughout the room.

AXELROD himself, Barack Obama’s right-hand man, is too hip to even have a desk. He sits on a leather beanbag chair, with his feet up on a beanbag ottoman for support. He does all his work on his iPhone and iMac, which rest on a side table next to him. For his guests, other beanbag chairs are casually strewn about. A large metal box sits on the coffee table in the center of the beanbags. It has no markings or buttons whatsoever, but it is clearly very important due to its central location. A small Exacto knife sits beside it.

A knock sounds at the office door.

AXELROD (standing, impatiently): Come in, Bill. I told Frieda to send you right through.

(BILL BURTON, Barack Obama’s campaign manager, enters somewhat timidly.)

BURTON: Geez, Dave, you know I can’t understand that accent of hers.

AXELROD (sniggering): Yeah. But who needs her to talk?!

(BURTON and AXELROD snicker manfully.)

BURTON (scornfully): Anyway, Dave, I just heard that John McCain picked a woman to be his VP. Some chick from Alaska – a small-town mayor or something? Seriously, what is that old idiot thinking?

AXELROD (casually): Really? Hmmm. Let me check it out! (cruises the Intertubez on his iPhone for a moment)

AXELROD (wonderingly): You mean, Governor Sarah Palin?! America’s Hottest Governor? Wow. That bastard has balls, I’ll give him that.

BURTON (confused): Dave, is this something for Barack to worry about?

AXELROD (impatiently): Bill, you moron, of course it is! This Palin bimbo is young, pretty and has a 70% -90% approval rating in Alaska. Plus, the fundies will LOVE her, since she’s one of them. Meanwhile, Barack is stuck with that gaffe-tastic old fossil, Joe Biden.

BURTON (sighing): Too bad the President didn’t pick Hillary as his VP. Then McCain couldn’t have stolen his thunder this way.

AXELROD (annoyed): FOCUS, Bill. We lost that argument to Michelle WEEKS ago! Now, the old man pulled a possible game-changer out of his ass, but I think I’ve got just the thing to stop the bleeding. (gestures towards the metal box on the table)

BURTON (in awe): Wow. Is that – what I think it is?

AXELROD: Yes. It’s – The Rove-inator.

(The men observe a moment of silence for the Rove-inator.)

BURTON (whispering): But Dave, I heard that machine steals your soul. Once you use it, it might work, but you can never stop feeding it.

AXELROD (heartily): Oh, come on Bill, that’s just superstitious nonsense! Anyway, we had to get rid of YOUR machine a while ago, since the PUMA virus kept infecting it. (walking over to the machine, stroking it) This little baby is guaranteed to find your opponent’s greatest strength and turn it against him or her. It’s not afraid to make up stories where none exist. Best of all, it exercises iron control over both the corporate AND the fauxgressive blogosphere!

BURTON (doubtfully): Well, if you say so, Dave. How does it work?

AXELROD (proudly): Let me show you how it’s done!

(AXELROD crouches in front of the machine. He picks up the Exacto knife and pricks his finger so that a small drop of blood falls on the box. As soon as the blood hits the Rove-inator, a prissy male voice issues forth.)

ROVE-INATOR: Oh, it’s you. What do YOU want?

AXELROD (solemnly): O Great Rove-inator, I desire to know how to destroy Governor Sarah Palin to make sure that my Master, President Obama, is not prevented from fulfilling his destiny.

ROVE-INATOR: With pleasure. First, have your operatives in the media and blogosphere create a fake scandal about her Down’s Syndrome baby. She could get a lot of sympathy for keeping that baby. Better nip that in the bud! Then, when she’s reeling from that, leak the true story that her 17-year-old, unmarried daughter is pregnant.

BURTON (interrupting): She IS?!

AXELROD: SHHHHH! Don’t interrupt it. I’m taking notes!

ROVE-INATOR: After several days of this onslaught, make sure that Barack comes out and sternly denounces all the hoopla. You know, the way he did after we accused Hillary of wanting Obama dead when she referenced RFK. By that time, the damage will be done and the media will continue to dog her until the election. If we’re really lucky, she might even be forced off the ticket!

(AXELROD and BURTON look at each other: AXELROD smugly, BURTON awestruck.)

BURTON: Wow. That’s the most brilliant thing I’ve ever heard! Kudos, Dave. You were right to use that machine. I’ll alert Kos, Olbermann and all the other media operatives. (begins to exit, then turns around) Uh, Dave?

AXELROD (who has not moved from his worshipful contemplation of the Rove-inator) Yes?

BURTON (somewhat frightened again): Why did the Rove-inator say “we?” Have you ever used this machine before?

AXELROD (reassuringly): No, no. You must have imagined it.

BURTON (dubiously): Well, okay then. I’m off. Great work, Dave! (exits)

AXELROD (addressing the machine): Do you think he’ll ever realize we’ve been together this whole time? I mean, how dumb can you get? We’ve been using the same tactics against Palin that we used against Hillary. It seems like someone would make the connection.

ROVE-INATOR: Oh, they will. But by that time, it will be too late, and Obama will be President. All your fondest dreams are about to come true. After all…would I lie?

(LIGHTS OUT.)

Cross-posted at The Confluence

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4 responses to “David Axelrod’s Secret Weapon: A Play in One Despicable Act.

  1. It is sad that you may not be that far from the truth….you always keep us on our toes oh great madamab.

    THANK YOU!

  2. Brilliant. This kind of derangement is beyond belief.

  3. In retrospect, we should have taken our clue when Biden, Kennedy and other “liberal lions” enabled the trashing of Anita Hill. “Collegiality” means Tha Boyz sticking together across party lines to keep those horrible girls out, except for tokens like Brazille and Pelosi, who buy their in by sucking up to show they’re “not like those pushy others.”

    Bush they couldn’t go after because they couldn’t be uncivil, but 17 year old teens are open game. Karl Rove and David Axelrod belong in the same corner of hell.

  4. Who generated all the rumours/stories/photos/fake comical photos/innuendos/dangled the bait?? C’mon…