(Note: I hope Shakespeare will forgive me for appropriating his Scottish Play to describe the rise and fall of Barack Obama. It may help that he’s been dead for several hundred years.)
THE SCENE: It is 2004. Brand-new Senator BARACK MACBAMA has just given his first “unity” speech at the Democratic National Convention, and the media is drooling, as is the Democratic Party. BARACK and MICHELLE (LADY) MACBAMA are at home in bed, discussing their next move. LADY MACBAMA is dressed in a red velvet smoking jacket over pink silk pajamas and is wearing reading glasses, perusing the papers. MACBAMA is reading over her shoulder. He is wearing ivory silk pajamas with a giant OMB monogram on the shirt pocket. The bedroom itself is done in overblown bordello-tacky, like the Greek temple in which MACBAMA will eventually be coronated.
LADY (wonderingly): I never imagined so much adulation could be sent thy way, my husband.
MACBAMA: Forsooth, it gladdens my heart greatly, my lady! Let us bask in the moment together.
(Both MACBAMAS glance up at the mirror above the bed, grin happily, then look back at each other, unsmiling.)
MACBAMA: Doth this portend aught for my future, my lady? In truth, I am confounded. For I have only just ascended the mighty corridors of power. Shall I count myself greedy to want more?
LADY: Surely not, my lord. Thy excellence and superiority to all living beings, save myself, know no bounds. How canst thou stop thine own ascendance to the very highest of offices?
MACBAMA: But would it be proper to begin the climb to that height, knowing that I have duties to those who elected me? I doubt myself, wife.
LADY (silkily): Truly, thou knowest thine own worth, MacBama. But if I cannot persuade thee, thou must go to the place of the Three Witches and abide their counsel. Surely they shall guide thee truly!
MACBAMA (smiling): Ah, my lady, thou art wise as always. Indeed, it shall be done.
(MACBAMA gets up and walks to the bathroom to shower and get ready for his meeting. As soon as he closes the door, LADY MACBAMA pulls a cell phone from under her pillow and speed dials.)
LADY (stage whispering): Hello? Nancy? Michelle here. Tell Howard and Donna that Operation Walking Eagle is a go! (listens for a moment) Yes, Nancy, you still have to do the thee and thou thing. You know he won’t get the point without you dressing it up all fancy. (listens a moment) Dammit, Nancy, do you want Hillary and Bill out or not? Just tell Donna and Howard to suck it up, or Hillary is going to be our next President! And nobody wants that, do they?
MACBAMA (from the bathroom): My lady, canst thou perforce locate mine instrument of communication?
LADY (whispering into phone): Shit! I’ve gotta go – Barack wants his cell phone. You know what to do. Later! (closes phone, puts it back under pillow, and addresses MACBAMA through door) My lord, I believe thy daughter hast borrowed it. Make haste to claim it from her and proceed to thy destination, husband! The secret of thy future shall soon be told!
THE SCENE: DNC Headquarters, later that same day. MACBAMA is led, blindfolded, into a dark conference room, by two anonymous guards dressed like Secret Service men. NANCY PELOSI, HOWARD DEAN and DONNA BRAZILE (the THREE WITCHES) are seated at the conference table, awaiting The One. They are dressed in black robes and have flashlights under their chins, showing their faces, which seem to float in an eerie light.
PELOSI (imperiously to guards): Seat the petitioner, then remove his blindfold.
(The guards do so)
MACBAMA (in awe): Oh, Wise Ones, I beseech thee to guide me in my dilemma. For lo, my ambition grows large, and may o’erwhelm me. Knowest thou the future? Should I attempt the highest office in the land at this propitious moment? Or shall I first gain experience and distance from my past, and allow others to go before me?
DEAN: Behold, the prophecy of the Three Witches!
(DEAN points a remote control behind him, and a screen comes down. The projector in the ceiling turns on and projects the following message onto the screen:)
MACBAMA (reading aloud): “MACBAMA, thou shalt let nothing impede thy path to the Presidency of the United States of America. Shouldst thou give any ground to the forces arrayed against thee, thou shalt surely fail to gain the nomination of thy Party. Therefore, do not hesitate to use any tactics thou feelest necessary to win this battle. No man or woman shall stand against thy might – especially not those with the last name of Clinton.”
(As MACBAMA reads the name “Clinton,” the THREE WITCHES all hiss with hatred.)
THREE WITCHES: Clinton! Boooooga Booooooga!
(They turn off their flashlights and the room is plunged into semi-darkness.)
MACBAMA (resolved): Thank you, O Spirits. I shall obey thy commands. For it is written that none shall stand against me!
THE SCENE: Inauguration Day, 2009. MACBAMA and his Lady are watching the inauguration of President John McCain and his Vice President, Sarah Palin, from the comfort of their bedroom. They are both the worse for wear, having overindulged to bear the pain of this moment, and there are bottles of JD strewn about the room. MACBAMA is smoking a cigarette; LADY is drinking straight from the latest bottle.
MACBAMA: How did this happen? The Three Witches promised me that no man or woman could beat me!
LADY (drunk): You are so stupid, Barack. They didn’t say anything about a man AND a woman! And PUMAs either! Damnit, you gotta learn how to read the fine print!
MACBAMA: Shit. You’re right. (sighs disconsolately) Well, what do we do now?
LADY: Get ready for 2012, I guess.
MACBAMA (firmly): If it’s all the same to you, Michelle, I think I’ll trust my own judgment next time. (getting an idea) Hey! Maybe I’ll start spending more time with you and the girls. After all, family values are important to me!
LADY (wailing in anguish): Noooooooooooooo!
Cross-posted at The Confluence