AMERICA: Welcome, Senator Obama! We are soooooo ready to elect a Democrat this year, and we loved, loved, LOVED your speech at the Democratic National Convention in 2004. You are such an eloquent and intelligent guy…and your charisma is amazing! We are looking so forward to getting to know you better!
OBAMA (smiling): That was a wonderful welcome! Thank you, America!
AMERICA: No, thank YOU. We have some great candidates this year, and you’re one of them! So, tell us. Why should we elect you President of the United States?
OBAMA (standing up and pacing): Aren’t you tired of the same old Washington politics? Well, so am I. I’m not really a politician – I’m something new and different! I will unify all Americans so that we can work together to make our country a better place. We will finally get out of this partisan gridlock that has been preventing us from moving forward. Just believe in me and we can make it happen together! Yes, we can!
AMERICA: Oooh! That was really inspirational! [Iowa faints and Obama throws her a water bottle he just happens to have with him.] Okay, so tell us: How are you going to accomplish this?
OBAMA (smiling): Hey, don’t worry about that. All my policy proposals are on my website. You can tell I’m smart, right? I was the editor of the Harvard Law Review! Trust me, I know what I’m doing. I was right about Iraq, wasn’t I? And remember that Hillary voted for the AUMF. The Iraq war wouldn’t have happened without her!
[OBAMA’S CHAIR TURNS INTO A THRONE.]
[AMERICA mutters a bit. New Hampshire gets up and walks toward the CLINTON door.]
OBAMA: Hey, New Hampshire, where are you going?
NH: [at the door] Sorry, Senator – we like Hillary better. We prefer experience to soaring rhetoric. Plus, she seems like she really understands what we need and has a plan to make it happen.
OBAMA: I understand what you need! You need ME! I am a post-racial, post-partisan, unifying guy! How can you go for the same old politics? [NH IS GONE.] Uh, wait! Did you know that Bill and Hillary are racists?
AMERICA: [gasps] That’s awful! [90% of AA America stands up, chanting “Yes we can!”]
OBAMA: Ah, that’s better. [Florida, Michigan, New York, California and New Jersey get up and leave, shaking their heads.] Where are you guys going?
THE STATES [at the CLINTON door]: We like Hillary and we know her. You are new and inspiring, but you’re not giving us any reason to vote for you instead. We blame the war on Bush, not Hillary, and it’s not like you’ve done anything differently than she has since you’ve been in the Senate. Bye – good luck in the rest of the states!
OBAMA: [to the remaining states] Hey, folks, don’t let them bother you. They get down, periodically, and their claws come out. I’ll get her voters, but I’m not sure she’ll get mine. They’ll all vote for me in November. Yes, we can!
REVEREND WRIGHT COMES ON STAGE.
WRIGHT: Hi, America! I’ve been Barack Obama’s pastor, mentor and friend for 20 years. I baptized his children, I married him and Michelle, and he named his bestselling book after one of my sermons!
OBAMA: Uh-oh. [GETS UP, CROSSES TO REV. WRIGHT, TRIES TO DRAG HIM OFF THE STAGE. WRIGHT IS IMMOBILE AND CONTINUES TO SPEAK.]
WRIGHT: Yes, we are close close close! By the way, did I tell you that my church preaches Black Liberation Theology? And that I made fun of and insulted Bill and Hillary Clinton from the pulpit? And that I said “God Damn America” just a few days after the attacks of September 11th? And that I think the government gave black people AIDS? And that I think Louis Farrakhan is a great guy? And that Italians are garlic noses? Believe it or not, there’s even video of me saying these things!
OBAMA: Who is this man? I am shocked, shocked to hear him talk this way! Well, I admit I’ve heard some controversial stuff from him, but wow – this is really too much! I’m not disowning him but I’m disowning what he said. And by the way, my grandma was a racist! Oh, I mean…not a racist, but a typical white person! Come on, stop bothering me about this stuff. Can’t I just eat my waffle?
OH, TX and PA: Oh, HELL NO. [they get up and start walking towards the CLINTON door]
OBAMA: But wait! I’m the one running for President, not my pastor! [WRIGHT BEGINS EDGING OFF THE STAGE.]
OH, TX and PA [at the door]: Come on, Senator. You’ve got to believe some of what he says, or else why would you be such a devoted follower of this man for 20 years? You don’t share our values, and we know that Hillary does. We’re voting for her.
OBAMA: Ahhhh, who needs you. You’re just bitter, bible-thumping, gun-slinging, xenophobic racists. [TX, OH and PA gasp, then stomp out the door.]
[WRIGHT COMES BACK ONSTAGE AND STEPS IN FRONT OF OBAMA.]
WRIGHT: Hey now! Barack is just saying what he’s saying because he’s a politican. We know this, right, America? Of course he can’t disown me. By the way, isn’t it great when I say how white people have no rhythm, make fun of how they talk, and expound on my theories that they are left-brained and black people are right-brained?
[OBAMA PUSHES WRIGHT OFF STAGE.]
OBAMA: That does it! This man is not who I thought he was. I disown him completely! And by the way, I’m still NOT a politician!
[WEST VIRGINIA gets up, shakes its head, and walks towards the CLINTON door.]
OBAMA: Hey! Where are YOU going?
WV: You’ve gotta be kidding with this Wright guy. And by the way – we are not bitter, ignorant or racist; it’s just obvious you have no idea who we are or what we want from a President. Buh-bye now!
OBAMA: [looking at the auditorium, which is a lot emptier than it was before] Uh, what about the rest of you? You’re with me, right? Hey, Kentucky – look who’s backing me! John Edwards! Did you know, he was the son of a mill worker?
KY: But why should we vote for YOU? John Edwards is not running for President any more.
OBAMA: Because you need change! You need hope! You need faith! See, look – my new flyer says it all!
KY: No, we need jobs. We need solutions. We get hope and faith from ourselves, not from our President. We want Hillary! [KY GETS UP AND WALKS OUT THE CLINTON DOOR.]
OBAMA: [to himself] Well, hell. This is a lot harder than I thought. Maybe I can’t win this thing after all?
[HOWARD DEAN and DONNA BRAZILE step forward. As they do, all the states that left enter through the Clinton door and stand in the back of the auditorium.]
DEAN: Don’t worry, Barack. We’ve got this thing all planned out. You WILL be the nominee no matter what happens. After all, we’ve got the convention scheduled on the same day as Martin Luther King’s “I Have a Dream” speech! Do you think that’s a coincidence?
BRAZILE: Yeah, don’t worry about a thing. I made sure that MI and FL didn’t count so that you could look like a front-runner, instead of following the DNC rules that stated the penalty was a 50% cut in delegates. You’ve got it in the bag!
AMERICA [all together]: WHAT? Are you Democratic Party Leaders saying you don’t care what the voters think – that Obama is your guy no matter what? That’s not democracy at all! What the hell is wrong with you? [ALL THE STATES GET UP AND WALK OUT THE JOHN MCCAIN DOOR. THE AUDITORIUM IS EMPTY.]
[DEAN, BRAZILE and OBAMA look at each other in shocked disbelief.]
OBAMA: What the hell happened? Why didn’t those idiots vote for me? John McCain is just the same as Bush! We Democrats were favored by a huge margin nationally! What is wrong with them – are they racists or something?
[HILLARY CLINTON enters through her door, shaking her head in disgust. BILL CLINTON is with her. They hold hands.]
HRC: Perhaps we can explain it to you.
BILL: You see, the American people don’t like to be talked down to. They like to be asked for their votes, not taken for granted.
HRC: Women didn’t appreciate all the sexism you and your surrogates directed at me. And to call the “first Black President” racist was unforgivable to many.
BILL AND HRC TOGETHER: You never asked them what they wanted or needed. You never listened to them.
BILL: We thought you’d learned the lessons of my Presidency by now. But you’re just as elitist as the Republicans. You threw me and Hillary under the bus, and now you’re paying the electoral price.
[THEY WALK OUT THE CLINTON DOOR.]
DEAN: Well, there’s always 2012, Barack. Hey, how about you and John Kerry?