THE SCENE: Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s living room. It is tastefully appointed in soft pastels. She is seated on her sofa, wearing silk PJ’s and watching The Colbert Report. The Princess phone rings and she mutes her TV.
NANCY: [picking up phone] Hello?
STENY: Nancy? Steny.
NANCY [a la Seinfeld]: Hello, Steny.
STENY: Listen, Nancy babe, we need to talk about telecom immunity.
NANCY: Again? Jesus, Steny, haven’t we been over this? Telecom immunity is off the table. The American people don’t want it. Even Fox News says Bush’s numbers are in the tank. You know all this. So stop yanking my chain. Good night -
STENY [interrupting]: Just a minute, Nance. [Pelosi rolls her eyes] Didn’t you hear the latest from Kucinich? He’s rather annoyed that Conyers has been sitting on his impeachment resolution for so long.
NANCY: [hissing] KUCINICH! Damn that little hobbit!
STENY: He’s saying that if we don’t start impeachment proceedings within 30 days, he’ll bring it up again – with more articles added. And, Conyers is starting to weaken. We all know how much he wants to impeach Bush. I swear he dreams about it at night!
NANCY: Why won’t Dennis get with the program? If we impeach now, we could lose our majority in Congress. Then, if McCain wins, we’re back to square one!
STENY: I feel you, Nancy. Now, you know that the warrantless wiretapping program is one of the strongest reasons for impeachment. As it stands now, the program is illegal and un-Constitutional. If we don’t retroactively make it legal in some way, then that idiot from Ohio could actually make his case!
NANCY: Damnit! Why can’t he wait till AFTER Bush leaves office like we all agreed?!
STENY: Ahhhh, he’s worried about some stupid checks and balances thing. He is such an idealistic schmuck.
NANCY: [getting up and pacing] Okay. I see where you’re coming from now. I guess we can do this ridiculous thing if it will stop Dennis. But what about the Senate? They will have to re-vote. Do you think anyone will filibuster?
STENY: Don’t you worry about the Senate, babe. I’ve got it all sewn up. Rocky and I guarantee it’s a done deal.
NANCY: But what about Obama? Didn’t he promise that he would support a filibuster? What if he decides to do it himself?
STENY AND NANCY [laughing]: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
[STENY stops laughing first.]
STENY: As if Senator “Present” would do something like that! No, someone will probably stand up and blather for a while – maybe Dodd or Feingold or one of those guys. But without support, the filibuster will die and we’ll be golden.
NANCY: Well, what if Hillary comes back from vacation and supports it?
STENY: Hell no! Jay already talked to her. If she tries to showboat on this, there will be a lot of pissed-off Senators talking to the media. She won’t make any trouble. She’s tired of Congressional knives in her back.
NANCY: All right, Steny. You win. We’ll vote on the bill tomorrow.
STENY: I knew you’d see things my way, Nancy. See you tomorrow!
[they hang up]
NANCY [sitting back down on the couch and rubbing her
temples wearily]: Sometimes I really, really hate my job.
[stage goes dark]