SCENE I: A busy urban street. Two middle-aged white men, BOB and JOE, are waiting at a stoplight, having a spirited political discussion. They have been friends for years and the discussion has the feel of ritual.
BOB: Look, I just don’t trust the government to run my health care. In fact, I don’t want ‘em doing anything for me at all. I just want to live my life without government interference. What’s wrong with that? Besides, the American health care system is the best in the world!
JOE (sighing): Oh, forgawd’ssake, BOB, give it a rest already. I wish just for once you could live in that Libertarian Paradise you’re always talking about. I’d bet you’d be begging for government to come back in about half a second!
(The light changes. BOB and JOE start walking across the street, too absorbed in their conversation to pay much attention to where they’re going.)
BOB: No, seriously, JOE. The only thing to do is make government so small we can drown it in a bathtub. Every man for himself. It’s the only way we can be free!
JOE: Ahhh, BOB, don’t you get that all corporations care about is their bottom line? I’m telling you –
(Out of nowhere, a bus, out of control, careens into the intersection and smacks right into the hapless friends. Strangely, the marquee on the top of the bus reads “Liberty Express.” BOB and JOE fly in opposite directions as the scene fades to black.)
SCENE II: A lush island Paradise. The sky is a lovely blue festooned with decorative, puffy white clouds. BOB is lying on a hammock strung between two palm trees. Behind him, the facade of an impossibly luxurious resort hotel can be seen; in front of him is a beautifully landscaped infinity pool, complete with waterfall and fat-free bathing beauties in bikinis. BOB is unconscious, but appears to be otherwise unharmed by his encounter with the Liberty Express. Slowly, he opens his eyes and takes in his surroundings.
BOB (wonderingly): What the fuck?!
(One of the bikini-clad babes, perfectly tan and blonde, strolls over to BOB with a drink in her hand.)
BLONDE (liltingly): Hello, Bob! Welcome to Libertarian Island. Care for a complimentary beverage?
BOB (confused): What – what happened?
BLONDE (comfortingly): That’s really not important, Bob. Everything will be explained to you shortly. I’m just here to provide you with your complimentary beverage. Do you want it or not? It’s got a cute little umbrella and everything!
BOB (totally lost): Uh…yes???
(The BLONDE hands him the drink, which he sips tentatively. A huge smile blossoms across his face.)
BOB: Wow! That’s the best martini I’ve ever had. How did you know it was my favorite?
BLONDE (wagging her finger, flirtily stern): Uh-uh-uh! Drink up!
(BOB finishes his drink. His eyelids lower to half mast as the potent alcohol kicks in.)
BOB (tipsy): Thanks, uh…what did you say your name was?
BLONDE (coldly): I didn’t. (lifts her wrist to her mouth) Okay, he’s ready.
(She walks away, completely indifferent now that she has performed her duty, and happily situates herself on the lounge chair from whence she came.)
BOB: What – where are you going?
(He starts to follow her, but a man clad all in white robes steps in front of him, blocking his access to the BLONDE. The man looks like a Ken doll, the ultimate Republican idea of perfection. In fact, his name is KEN. Cool, huh?)
KEN: Now, BOB, let’s just calm down. My name is KEN, and I’m here to officially welcome you to – Libertarian Island!
(A banner unfurls from the palm trees between which BOB’s hammock is tied. The pristine white, beautifully-inked banner reads, of course, “Welcome to Libertarian Island.” Below that declaration are the words “Freedom IS Free! Free, Freedy, Freedelicious Freedom!”)
BOB (in awe): Cool!
KEN: I’m here to be your guide and to help make your stay more enjoyable.
BOB: How could it be more enjoyable? I mean, (gesturing) LOOK at this place!
KEN: Well, BOB, this place certainly is beautiful. But this is not where you’re going to be staying. Step this way, please.
(KEN leads BOB past the bikini babes, who loftily ignore him, and towards a dirt path in the elegant green sward. After a minute of walking, BOB notices something strange.)
BOB: Hey KEN – is that a door?!
KEN: Yes it is, BOB. You see, you were in the visitor’s section of Libertarian Island. When you go through this door, you will see the rest of the island. I promise, you’re going to love it!
BOB (confidently): Of course I will. I mean, this is Libertarian Island, so I’m assuming we’ve got that damn government out of our lives and are free to create a better society through choice and competition!
KEN: Ab-so-LUTELY! (opening the door) And heeeeerrrre we are!